May 13, 2008

Future News Today

his one really makes me laugh...and writhe in some agony...Check out the FUTURE NEWS BLOG.

Posted by witnit at 10:38 AM | Comments (9)

May 7, 2008

More good stuff...

rom Britain's Got Talent

Posted by witnit at 1:58 PM | Comments (2)

The Funniest 10 minutes on TV...

ver! In case you missed it...

Posted by witnit at 1:54 PM | Comments (5)

May 5, 2008

Celebrate Cinco de Mayo!

rop a jar of mayonnaise in a pond!

Posted by witnit at 12:16 PM | Comments (17)

April 1, 2008

Yes, It's True--Flying penguins

heck it out: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/04/01/npenguin101.xml

But wait, there's more...

And of course if you believe that on a day like this you get the Penguin Dope Slap of the Week!

Posted by witnit at 3:35 PM | Comments (1)

January 19, 2008

A History of the World

his is a classic that I've posted before (April 2005), but thought some of you might have missed. Enjoy!.

The World According to Student Bloopers

Richard Lederer, St. Paul's School

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. they lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sone to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavenbed bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of colums - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being.

Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarette. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered American while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peococks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer paid for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. he invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Eurpose, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took lang walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. The the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrainedd. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. he reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered Radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

*** Without time, everything would happen at once!

--------

Posted by witnit at 2:59 PM | Comments (1)

January 18, 2008

Cool Person Test

just checked in again to see if I'm a cool person yet. Guess not.

Cool Person Test

Posted by witnit at 2:48 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack

May 3, 2007

Today's Bumper Sticker

AM HAVING AN OUT-OF-MONEY EXPERIENCE

Posted by witnit at 2:26 PM | Comments (0)

April 16, 2007

My Warning Label

eah, I guess that fits. H/T Yabu.

PARENTAL

ADVISORY

WITNIT CONTAINS EXPLICIT LYRICS

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

Posted by witnit at 2:38 PM | Comments (0)

March 1, 2007

The Museum of Hoaxes

o, not another Global Warming post, although I can understand why you'd think that. No, this is about a cool website/blog called The Museum of Hoaxes.

Here's the number one item on their Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes of All Time:

The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest

On April 1, 1957 the British news show, Panorama, broadcast a segment about a bumper spaghetti harvest in southern Switzerland. The success of the crop was attributed to an unusually mild winter. The audience heard Richard Dimbleby, the show's highly respected anchor, discussing the details of the spaghetti crop as they watched a rural Swiss family pulling pasta off spaghetti trees and placing it into baskets.

"The spaghetti harvest here in Switzerland is not, of course, carried out on anything like the tremendous scale of the Italian industry," Dimbleby informed the audience. "Many of you, I'm sure," he continued, "will have seen pictures of the vast spaghetti plantations in the Po valley. For the Swiss, however, it tends to be more of a family affair."

The narration then continued in a tone of absolute seriousness:

"Another reason why this may be a bumper year lies in the virtual disappearance of the spaghetti weevil, the tiny creature whose depradations have caused much concern in the past."

Dimbleby anticipated some questions viewers might have. For instance, why, if spaghetti grows on trees, does it always come in uniform lengths? The answer was that "this is the result of many years of patient endeavor by past breeders who succeeded in producing the perfect spaghetti."

And apparently the life of a spaghetti farmer was not free of worries: "The last two weeks of March are an anxious time for the spaghetti farmer. There's always the chance of a late frost which, while not entirely ruining the crop, generally impairs the flavor and makes it difficult for him to obtain top prices in world markets."

But finally, Dimbleby assured the audience that, "For those who love this dish, there's nothing like real, home-grown spaghetti."

Of course, the broadcast was just an April Fool's Day joke. But soon after the broadcast ended, the BBC began to receive hundreds of calls from puzzled viewers. Did spaghetti really grow on trees, they wanted to know. Others were eager to learn how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this the BBC reportedly replied that they should "place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best."

To be fair to the viewers, spaghetti was not a widely eaten food in Britain during the 1950s and was considered by many to be very exotic. Its origin must have been a real mystery to most people. Even Sir Ian Jacob, the BBC's director general, later admitted that he had to run to a reference book to check on where spaghetti came from after watching the show.

The prestige of the Panorama show itself, and the general trust that was still placed in the medium of television, also lent the claim credibility. The idea for the segment was dreamed up by one of the Panorama cameramen, Charles de Jaeger. He later said that the idea occurred to him when he remembered one of his grade-school teachers chiding him for being "so stupid he would believe spaghetti grew on trees."

Posted by witnit at 10:50 AM | Comments (1)

January 8, 2007

The Funniest Thing I've Ever Seen

f you have never seen Whose Line Is It Anyway?, the Drew Carey hosted version, you've missed some funny stuff.

If you HAVE seen it, but somehow missed the Richard Simmons episode, then you have missed the funniest thing I've ever seen!

Here's the clip. Beware! You should pee first, then laugh after.

AND, if you are already a fan, and understand the dynamic between Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie, then you'll appreciate the classic Tapioca episode where Colin knocks Ryan off his game. It's a classic:

Posted by witnit at 9:55 AM | Comments (3)

January 3, 2007

Burglar Santas

hile traveling in Italy over the Christmas holiday, I noticed a peculiar phenomenon: Burglar Santas were everywhere. What is a Burglar Santa? Here are a few photos taken in Florence, Peinza, San Gimignano and other places:

And not only do you find individual Burglar Santas, sometimes you spot Burglar Santa gangs:

And occasionally, an entire family of Burglar Santas:

The phenomenon of Burglar Santas and how they developed is easily explained: Chimneys in Italy are way too small and covered in bars and other limiting designs for the idea of Santa-coming-down-the-chimney to take hold. So the alternative is...coming in through the window.

Cute, eh?

Posted by witnit at 4:19 PM | Comments (0)

December 18, 2006

We Wish You a Merry...

lease accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Posted by witnit at 9:15 AM | Comments (4)

December 13, 2006

Hannibal Lector Christmas Songs

ust finished the latest Thomas Harris novel about Hannibal Lector's origin.

Which got me to thinking about what songs ol' Hannibal the Cannibal would be listening to over the holiday. Oh I know...it's disgusting. No...it's FUNNY!

"Deck the Halls with Chunks of Holly"

"Walkin' Round in Women's Derrierres"

"Jingle Balls"

"All I Want for Christmas Are Your Two Front Pecs"

"Saucy the Roast Man"

"I Saw Momy Eating Santa Claus"

"We Wish You a Donner Christmas"

"Cook Well, Little Children"

Posted by witnit at 11:18 AM | Comments (1)

December 11, 2006

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire

ung to the tune of "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire." (With a little Simon, Theodore and Alvin thrown in.)

Another winner from the Bob Rivers Band.

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Hot sauce dripping from their toes
(“Oh! That tickles!”)
Yuletide squirrels fresh filleted by the choir
They poked hot skewers through their nose
(“Ow! Wrong end, ya cowboy!”)
Everybody knows some pepper and a garlic clove
Help to make them seasoned right
Tiny rats with a crisp golden coat
Will really hit the spot tonight

And now when Santa sees his tray
(“Ho ho ho ho ho ho”)
There’ll be some homemade chipmunk jerky for his sleigh
(“Mmmm…Hey, look at that!”)
And every hungry child is gonna spy
To see if chipmunks really sing when they fry
And so I’m brushing on some honey glaze
To keep them crisp and juicy too
Let’s hope they get served many times many ways
Tasty Chipmunks; good food

“On that, Mr. Cole, ”
“Yes, sir, Mr. Seville?”
“Would you mind handing me the barbeque sauce? I am starved!”
”Oh,no problem Dave. Hey listen, you best be havin’ two of those drumsticks, because they’re oh-so tiny and there ain’t much meat upon ‘em”
(“What about animal rights, Dave?”)
“Put a sock in it Melvin”
“You know, for years people said you over-rated hamsters were my meal ticket. Now I guess you could just say you’re my meal!”
“That’s a good one, Dave…I always knew you was the funny one in the group!”
“Damn straight!”

And so I'm offering some recipes
From chipmunk pie to chipmunk stew
I’m not really sad that it ended this way
Furry chipmunks screw you

“Did you hear that Melvin? Melvin? Mellllviiiiin?"
“Why, I’m sorry Dave, did you want Melvin? There’s plenty of Thagadore left though…”

Posted by witnit at 4:02 PM | Comments (1)

December 10, 2006

Animal Fun

ust in case you didn't know, there is evidence that your pet may be something other than you think.

Check out What pets do when you are at work.

Posted by witnit at 10:10 AM

December 8, 2006

A Christmas Carol

y that rascal math professor from Princeton in the late-1950s, Tom Lehrer. Go here to get a sense of how it's sung:

Christmas time is here, by golly,
Disapproval would be folly,
Deck the halls with hunks of holly,
Fill the cup and don't say when.
Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens,
Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens,
Even though the prospect sickens,
Brother, here we go again.

On Christmas day you can't get sore,
Your fellow man you must adore,
There's time to rob him all the more
The other three hundred and sixty-four.

Relations, sparing no expensell
Send some useless old utensil,
Or a matching pen and pencil.
Just the thing I need! how nice!
It doesn't matter how sincere it
Is, nor how heartfelt the spirit,
Sentiment will not endear it,
What's important is the price.

Hark the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
God rest ye merry, merchants,
May you make the yuletide pay.
Angels we have heard on high
Tell us to go out and buy!

So let the raucous sleigh bells jingle,
Hail our dear old friend Kris Kringle,
Driving his reindeer across the sky.
Don't stand underneath when they fly by.

Posted by witnit at 2:53 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

December 7, 2006

Hairy Male/Mail

es, sometimes you want to resist the temptation but then again sometimes you don't.

Sometimes you just want to take some NAIR and write a message on the back of some hairy male.

Feel the urge? Then go to Hairy Mail and commit your fantasy. Send a hairy mail on the back of a hairy male.

Hat Tip to the peculiar one

Posted by witnit at 9:19 AM | Comments (0)

December 4, 2006

Corporate Memo: New Christmas Policy

o: All Staff
Date: December 4
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Happy Holidays all!!

Posted by witnit at 8:30 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 3, 2006

Guess the Christmas Greeting

t's not that hard.

Figure it out:

ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

Posted by witnit at 9:29 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

November 30, 2006

Walkin Round in Women's Underwear

kay, Men!

Who's on board for a little Holiday Singing?

Let's do Bob Rivers' version of Winter Wonderland.

Ready?

SING!!!

Lacy things -- the wife is missin',
Didn't ask for her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the store -- there's a teddy,
With little straps -- like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until the wife is out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress -- like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

Lacy things... missin',
Didn't ask... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

Posted by witnit at 9:40 AM | Comments (19)

November 22, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving

on't let them make you cook, eat, or clean too much. (Image stolen from Moriarty.)

Posted by witnit at 3:24 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

October 5, 2006

Gotta Love Those Religious Leaders

specially when they tell their followers "Do NOT masturbate on religious holidays":

Iran's supreme leader answers questions on masturbation and other topics on his website

Deliberate masturbation during the month of Ramadan renders a fast invalid, Iranian Supreme Leader Sayyid Ali Khameini has ruled.

Khameini, who is Iran's most powerful political and religious figure, was asked on his website : "If somebody masturbates during the month of Ramadan but without any discharge, is his fasting invalidated?"

"If he do not intend masturbation and discharging semen and nothing is discharged, his fasting is correct even though he has done a ḥarām (forbidden) act. But, if he intends masturbation or he knows that he usually discharges semen by this process and semen really comes out, it is a ḥaram intentional breaking fasting," the Iranian leader said, posting the reply on his website

Posted by witnit at 9:41 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

October 1, 2006

Battlestar Galaxative

ne of the greatest shows on television, Battlestar Gallactica, starts its third season next Friday. It's nothing like the original apart from some names. And so I'm reposting a little funny scenario below I wrote a couple of years ago.

Doctor, do you have the Cylon ID test completed?

It should be ready in no time, commander.

Strip me naked and do me right here, Gaius.

Stop it! I'm talking! I can't shag you right now!

Excuse me, doctor?

Oh, sorry, commander. I was thinking about something else.

Do me, do me, do me!

I mean, doc, if that was a proposal, don't let protocol get in the way of....

Oh, for frack's sake, Adama!

What did you say, mister?

Fondle my imaginary breasts, Gaius!

Haven't you been paying attention? My behavior! Hasn't it been obvious?

Well, I've been busy. Don't take it personally...

Ah! Ahh! Ahhh!

No, you idiot! I've been erratic, talking to myself... Do you understand what's going on?

We're very enlightened on Galactica, doc. I know these transitions can be hard...

Good Christ, Adama! I'VE GOT A CYLON IN MY HEAD!

Someone call for me?

Get outta here, Bitch! He's mine!

I don't frackin' believe this!

Damn it, Boomer, you're supposed to be in the brig!

Oh yeah. About that. I hope the fact that I'm a Cylon doesn't make you think I don't respect you, sir...

You shot me in the stomach, you insane toaster!

How can you call me that? It's just not fair! I have FEELINGS!

Is there anyone who can rid me of this...THING?

SIR, YES SIR!

Wait a minute! Didn't my contract say I was the only blonde on this show?

SIR, JUST GIVE ME A CIGAR, SIR!

Starbuck, go put this toaster in an airlock!

MY PLEASURE SIR!

(groan) Just end my life now...

If Starbuck kills me, I've got clones. You all auditioned to be humans, didn't you? SUCKERS!

Hat Tip to WuzzaDem, the Master.

--------

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September 29, 2006

Google "Toupee"?

nother installment in our never-ending "search" to find the oddest Googled sites on the Web.

Check these out:

Baby Toupees

Tampon Toupee

Toupee Records

Hell Toupee blog (Hell to Pay)

Coupe Toupee

Posted by witnit at 3:07 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

August 30, 2006

Wolves and Sheep

"Democracy is two wolves and a sheep voting to deecide what's for lunch." Marshall Fritz

"Liberty is the same, except the wolves find to their chagrin that the sheep is well informed and carrying a .357 magnum; the wolves would be better off getting jobs." Richard Mayberry

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August 23, 2006

Dante's Purgatory

es, one's past actions may haunt one! At least there's hope for me...

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

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August 9, 2006

Analogy

ove that Jonah Goldberg. He is apt with his analogies.

"Arafat won a Nobel Peace Prize, proving that such prizes have as much worth as an expired car-wash coupon."

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Big Brother Scare from the ACLU

a think maybe too many agencies and businesses have access to too much of your information? Let's scare the beJesus out of you! Courtesy of the ACLU.

Hey, I'm hungry. Let's order a pizza!

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May 18, 2006

Snake in the Toilet

n the way to work this morning, I heard another story about a kid who went to the bathroom and sat on a toilet without turning on the light. He looked down between his legs and saw a snake staring up at him.

You can image what ensued.

Sewers are like that. Occasionally a snake can find their way into one and eventually play peekaboo with a household toilet.

I can honestly say that I've never sat on a toilet and observed a snake looking up at me. Of course, you might probably point out...that I'm a victim of reptile dysfunction...

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May 15, 2006

Capitialism 101

RADITIONAL CAPITALISM * You have two cows. * You sell one and buy a bull. * Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. * You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CAPITALISM
* You have two cows.
* You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM
* You have two cows.
* You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
* You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH CAPITALISM
* You have two cows.
* You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CAPITALISM
* You have two cows.
* You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
* You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

GERMAN CAPITALISM
* You have two cows.
* You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat only once a month, and milk themselves.

BRITISH CAPITALISM
* You have two cows.
* Both are mad.

CANADIAN CAPITALISM
* You have two cows.
* Come to think of it, they look more like a pair of moose - in fact, yes they are.
* One speaks French, one speaks English.
* One fights to create a new country, the other won't let it.
* They both play ice hockey rather well.

ITALIAN CAPITALISM
* You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
* You break for lunch.

RUSSIAN CAPITALISM
* You have two cows.
* You count them and learn you have five cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
* You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CAPITALISM
* You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
* You charge an outrageous fee to others for storing them.

CHINESE CAPITALISM
* You have two cows.
* You have 300 people milking them.
* You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest and detain without trial the journalist who reported the number of cows.

NEW ZEALAND CAPITALISM
* You have two cows.
* That one on the left is kind of cute

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March 8, 2006

Advertising 101

. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. 2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising. 3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

4. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.

8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the centre and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Spam.

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August 10, 2005

Battlestar Galaxative

octor, do you have the Cylon ID test completed?

It should be ready in no time, commander.

Strip me naked and do me right here, Gaius.

Stop it! I'm talking! I can't shag you right now!

Excuse me, doctor?

Oh, sorry, commander. I was thinking about something else.

Do me, do me, do me!

I mean, doc, if that was a proposal, don't let protocol get in the way of....

Oh, for frack's sake, Adama!

What did you say, mister?

Fondle my imaginary breasts, Gaius!

Haven't you been paying attention? My behavior! Hasn't it been obvious?

Well, I've been busy. Don't take it personally...

Ah! Ahh! Ahhh!

No, you idiot! I've been erratic, talking to myself... Do you understand what's going on?

We're very enlightened on Galactica, doc. I know these transitions can be hard...

Good Christ, Adama! I'VE GOT A CYLON IN MY HEAD!

Someone call for me?

Get outta here, Bitch! He's mine!

I don't frackin' believe this!

Damn it, Boomer, you're supposed to be in the brig!

Oh yeah. About that. I hope the fact that I'm a Cylon doesn't make you think I don't respect you, sir...

You shot me in the stomach, you insane toaster!

How can you call me that? It's just not fair! I have FEELINGS!

Is there anyone who can rid me of this...THING?

SIR, YES SIR!

Wait a minute! Didn't my contract say I was the only blonde on this show?

SIR, JUST GIVE ME A CIGAR, SIR!

Starbuck, go put this toaster in an airlock!

MY PLEASURE SIR!

(groan) Just end my life now...

If Starbuck kills me, I've got clones. You all auditioned to be humans, didn't you? SUCKERS!

Hat Tip to WuzzaDem, the Master.

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February 2, 2005

Cool Person Test

re you a Cool Person? Find out now. Take the test.

*** He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I ever met. Abraham Lincoln

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