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April 3, 2006
Older and Older
ow that I'm 50, on the other side of the half-century mark, I have so much to look forward to...a whole new level of humor:
***
I felt like my body has slipped totally out of shape, so I sought my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising... I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over!
***
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman asked, "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
***
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
***
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
***
I've sure grown old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind and can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I suffer bouts with dementia, have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's license!
***
A 97-year-old man visits his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
***
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdale's department store.
"Bloomingdale's?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdale's?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
***
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
***
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
***
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful!"
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Posted by witnit at April 3, 2006 8:22 AM
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