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January 31, 2006

James Taranto...

...has a great way of putting things on his Best of the Web Today blog on The Wall Street Journal online.

Alito's appointment to the court had to make it over one speed bump. Well, OK, "speed bump" is too strong a term. More like it breezed past an accident scene on the side of the highway and slowed down ever so slightly to gawk. We refer, of course, to the filibuster "attempt" led by the senator from Davos and the senator from Chappaquiddick.

Heh, heh...
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Men and Women

en are lines and women are circles. This is knowledge that every young person should have so that they can at least try to get past some of the issues that arise between men and women.

The symbols of line and circle are quite telling. Men tend to be linear. Women tend to be circular. Men have penises and women vaginas. The line and the circle are literal and symbolic.

(Generally speaking, that is. We all have both the line/circle dichotomies within, of course. But males tend to have more of the line, and women more of the circle. Stay with me on this. Yeah, yeah, there are always exceptions but you know what I mean.)

Men tend to be better doing things one at a time, while women tend to be better at accomplishing several things simultaneously.

Get a bunch of men together and they want to explore, open things up to see what things are made of, manipulate the environment, get into technology, blow up things. They are externally focused.

Get a bunch of women together and they want to try to create a home, put things into containers, nest, talk about their feelings and relationships. They are internally focused.

Men expect others to be direct, obvious, tell them specifically what they think and mean.

Women expect others to pick up subtext, the unsaid meaning, the subtle gesture.

A man and a woman can be driving down the road, and if the man has to use a restroom, he'll say so and stop at the next gas station. A women will say, "Honey, should we stop for gas?"

Men tend to start at the beginning and talk through to the end. Women can start in the middle and expect a man to understand the context.

Men like tech manuals. Women like men who understand technology.

The more I think about the line and the circle, in men and women, but also within each of us, I realize that many of the communication problems men and women have would ease up if men understand that it's okay for a woman to be a circle, and that women understand that it's okay for a man to be a line.

And that if each puts a little effort into it, a man can expand his ability to be circular and a woman can expand her ability to be linear. We may be different, but we can learn.

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Pardon ME!

alk about embarassment. How would you like to be THIS tourist?

CAMBRIDGE, England (AP) � A visitor to a British museum tripped on his shoelace, stumbled down a stairway and fell into a display of centuries-old Chinese vases, shattering them into "very small pieces," officials said Monday.

The three Qing dynasty vases, dating from the late 17th or early 18th century, had been donated to the Fitzwilliam Museum in the university city of Cambridge in 1948 and were among its best-known artifacts. They sat on the window sill beside the staircase for 40 years.

I'm sure if he were American, they would have said something.

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Sadist 1, Masochist 0

asochist: "Hurt me, hurt me! Sadist: "No!" I wonder if dominatrixes (dominatrices?) can get malpractice insurance?

Dedham, Mass. (AP) -- A dominatrix was acquitted of manslaughter Monday in the death of a man who prosecutors say suffered a heart attack while strapped to a replica of a medieval rack.

Barbara Asher, a 56-year-old woman who called herself Mistress Lauren M, was also cleared of dismemberment.

Prosecutors said that 53-year-old Michael Lord suffered a heart attack in 2000 during a bondage session in a "dungeon" in Asher's condominium and that Asher did nothing to help him for five minutes for fear authorities would find out about her business.

Thank god she was cleared of the dismemberment charge. There was also a little demonstration in court.

For more information, go read Blondage at Perverted Republican.
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Is Voldemort a Republican?

aw a bumper sticker on the way to work this morning:

Voldemort votes REPUBLICAN Of course, that's what passes for thought on the Left these days. Superficial. Republicans...BAD.

But if you think it through Voldemort votes Democrat. Think about it. The vast majority of Felons in prison would vote Democrat, which explains why the Democrats work so hard to get them the vote. Murderous jihadists like Osama and Zawahiri and Hamas, the world's true Voldemorts, speak the same language agianst our President as the Democrats.

The Voldemorts of the world want military weakness, criminal coddling, fake diplomacy until the snake is ready to strike. They offer an ingratiating appearance until you are weak enough to be targeted as a victim

No doubt about it: Voldemort would vote Democrat.

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Going Postal

nother one. Does the U.S. Postal Service harbor an unusually high number of mean people who bury their resentments, letting them seep up like toxic waste to take out fellow employees? --------

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January 30, 2006

Military Humor

here's military humor over at The Pea Patch and I thought I'd add to the mix:

While interviewing a US Army Special Forces soldier in Afghanistan, a Reuters News reporter asked the soldier what he felt when killing al Qaeda with a sniper rifle. The soldier thought for a moment and replied, "Recoil."

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Charles's Brother

harles Krauthammer tells a story about his brother that's well worth your time:

Place: Los Angeles area emergency room.

Time: Various times over the past 18 years.

Scene: White male, around 50, brought in by ambulance, pale, short of breath, in distress.

Intern: You're going to be all right, sir. I'm replacing your fluids, and your blood studies and electrolytes should be back from the lab in just a few minutes.

Patient: Son, you wait for my electrolytes to come back and I'll be dead in 10 minutes. I ran the ICU here for 10 years. I'm pan-hypopit and in [circulatory] shock. I need 300 milligrams of hydrocortisone right now. In a bolus. RIGHT NOW. After that, I'll tell you what to run into my IV and what lab tests to run. Got it?

Intern: Yes, sir.

Read the rest. --------

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Life's Lessons

r, 19 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn - by Dave Barry

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

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January 28, 2006

H. L. Mencken

• he only safe skeptic is one who was never exposed to faith in his infancy. Converts of more mature years are always more or less unreliable.
• Science, at bottom, is really anti-intellectual. It always distrusts pure reason, and demands the production of objective fact.
• Moral certainty is always a sign of cultural inferiority. .... The truly civilized man is always skeptical and tolerant, in this field as in all others. His culture is based on "I am not too sure."
• I believe that nothing is unconditionally true, and hence I am opposed to every statement of positive truth and to every man who states it. Such men seem to me to be idiots or scoundrels.
• Hanging one scoundrel, it appears, does not deter the next. Well, what of it? The first one is at least disposed of.
• The argument that capital punishment degrades the state is moonshine, for if that were true then it would degrade the state to send men to war... The state, in truth, is degraded in its very nature: a few butcheries cannot do it any further damage.
• Government under democracy is thus government by orgy, almost by orgasm.
• What restrains us from killing is partly fear of punishment, partly moral scruple, and partly what may be described as a sense of humor.
• It is Hell, of course, that makes priests powerful, not Heaven, for after thousands of years of so-called civilization fear remains the one common denominator of mankind.
• ...school teachers, taking them by and large, are probably the most ignorant and stupid class of men in the whole group of mental workers.
• During the majority of his waking hours he is in close association with his pupils, who are admittedly his inferiors, and so he rapidly acquires the familiar, self-satisfied professorial attitude of mind.
• In brief, she assumed that, being a man, I was vain to the point of imbecility, and this assumption was correct, as it always is.
• A man always blames the woman who fools him. In the same way he blames the door he walks into in the dark.
• Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest.
• Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him...
• The great secret of happiness in love is to be glad that the other fellow married her.
• A man may be a fool and not know it - but not if he is married.
• Archbishop A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.
• Church A place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag about it to people who will never get there.
• Clergyman A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven.
• Conscience The inner voice which warns us that someone is looking.
• Confidence The feeling that makes one believe a man, even when one knows that one would lie in his place.
• Creator A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.
• Evil That which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
• Experience A series of failures. Every failure teaches a man something, to wit, that he will probably fail again.
• Fine A bribe paid by a rich man to escape the lawful penalty of his crime.
• Husband A No. 16 neck in a No. 15 1/2 collar.
• Idealist One who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
• Immorality The morality of those who are having a better time.
• Jealousy The theory that some other fellow has just as little taste.
• Love The delusion that one woman differs from another.
• Morality The theory that every human act must either be right or wrong, and that 99% of them are wrong.
• Pastor One employed by the wicked to prove to them by his example that virtue doesn't pay.
• Platitude An idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone,and (b) that is not true.
• Psychology The theory that the patient will probably get well anyhow, and is certainly a damned fool.
• Puritanism The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
• Sunday A day given over by Americans to wishing that they themselves were dead and in Heaven, and that their neighbors were dead and in Hell.
• Sunday School A prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

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Demos Say NO to Hillary in '08

onah Goldberg has a typically brilliant analysis of why Hillary's chances in 2008 are weak:

Whatever the reason, some liberals have had enough. "I will not support Hillary Clinton for president," wrote Molly Ivins, the voice of conventional thinking on the left. "Enough. Enough triangulation, calculation and equivocation. Enough clever straddling, enough not offending anyone." The segment of Democrats who sanctified Cindy Sheehan can hardly countenance a presidential candidate who unapologetically voted for the war and positioned herself to the right of President Bush on foreign policy.

The New Republic offers perhaps an even more devastating critique of Clinton for Democratic pragmatists: She can't win. Marisa Katz dismantled the myth that Clinton can appeal to "red state" voters because she won in upstate New York. Turns out former Vice President Al Gore and Sen. John Kerry each did better in upstate New York than she did. And Gore, a southerner, couldn't even win his home state of Tennessee. Meanwhile, a recent Gallup poll showed that 51 percent of Americans won't even consider voting for Clinton.

She's not her husband. She does not have that sociopathic charm that he has. The way he can talk himself out being a sexual predator and rapist. She's not charming. And above all, a presidential candidate has to have charm.

*** POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
*** POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. Ambrose Bierce

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Why a Limited Federal Government?

posted this originally one year and one day ago. I kinda like it. Please note: As strident as my writing sometimes seems, and as passionate as I am about my opinions, I'm not so attached to them that I'm not open to countering arguments and evidence. Short essays are not the best for arguing positions adequately. But they can be sharp and fun.

Government by nature is about coercion. What distinguishes governments of any stripe from business or any other entity is that government is empowered to use force: Forcing people to follow law, forcing people to pay it money, forcing people to use its services, forcing people to support others. Government exists with the constant implicit threat that you will be jailed or killed if you do not submit to its coercion.

Many people in government are good people. They take their job seriously, and they actually accomplish good things. Still, much of the good that government is supposed to accomplish actually accomplishes the opposite. But to stay in the midst of political power, politicians and bureaucrats strive to avoid taking responsibility for their failures. As their ideals fade, they become "practical," and "realistic."

Here's my favorite picture of a politician:

That is why you constantly see politicians change once they are in office for an extended period of time. You see, many professional politicians and bureaucrats have had to compromise their principles to get something done, or they have indulged in some abuse of power and have come to believe that that is just how things are supposed to be. Therefore, when a newcomer politician or bureaucrat arrives with "stars in their eyes" and lofty principles, the professionals actively try to co-opt the newcomer. Teach them a lesson about politics.

How many times have you seen a principled member of Congress eventually forced to smile and mouth a position that you know they don't believe in, just to get the support of their political party?

All governments to some extent are tyrannies and embody the constant probability of abuse.

That is why America was founded upon principles of a limited government. The Founders clearly understood that by creating a Federal government, they were creating an entity that was potentially as tyrannical as the one they were throwing off. Thus they created The U.S. Constitution, which was designed to limit the powers of the Federal government that they were creating.

The U.S. Constitution does not grant rights. This fact is now mostly lost in the public consciousness, which believes that the Constitution is a government document that grants rights to people.

No. Every word of it is about defining the explicit powers of the Federal government. Everything not explicitly defined is not granted to it. Therefore, the Federal government has no business engaging in most of the activities it currently engages in. It is supposedly limited to what is explicitly granted in the Constitution.

The Constitution functioned as it was supposed to up until the early part of the 20th century, when the current Federal government was finally and effectively unhinged from the Constitution's limiting capacity. The Federal government has since taken on a range of coercive powers to force people to work for it and its social and political goals. We now live under an increasingly socialist government, where more than half of our labor goes to support the government through explicit and implicit taxation (the income tax being one of the most pernicious).

The Constitution, in its original 18th century capacity, allowed U.S. citizens a life mostly free from government coercion. By the middle of the 20th century, that changed to where U.S. citizens increasingly were subject to government controls and intrusions, in the name of freedom and security.

We are oftened warned of the dangers of socialism; that is, government coercively and selectively taking money (and therefore labor, in most cases) from some to selectively support others. Nothing in the Constitution was designed to allow for this, for the simple reason that a government that can selectively take and give is a tyranny. It becomes ridden with sycophants and manipulators and grand strategies for trying to get something through favors rather than personal merit.

Both businesses and special interests are only able to get something out of the government to the extent that government has the power to selectively give through favor what it selectively takes. Right now, both political parties engage in socialism and government by favor, although the Democratic party by far carries the banner of government socialism.

Unfortunately, many Americans have bought into emotional socialistic thinking that persuades them that it is the government's job to shape the social landscape. Increasing tyranny and slavery is the result. Forcing people to support others in their leisure is slavery, whether the leisure class is aristrocrats, slave owners, or the needy.

(Progressives looked to the Graduated Income Tax as the answer to the imbalance of income between the upper and lower classes. Little did they realize that this tax would insidiously open the door to all kinds of special interests who desire to influence and manipulate government. The U.S. Constitution allowed only those taxes that could be equally applied. Remember: The power to tax is the power to destroy. Raise your hand if you are afraid of the IRS?)

There are fundamental principles of liberty: Do all you agree to do and do not encroach on other people or their property.

All the rationalizations for supporting an increasingly socialist government are simply social consciousness blindness. In the mid-1960s, about 25% of black children were born into poverty. 40 years after The Great Society attempts through increase taxation and profligate spending that has increased almost every year, after billions spent, now almost 70% ofblack children are born into poverty. (Source: Thomas Sowell, The Economics and Politics of Race and Civil Rights: Rhetoric or Reality?)

Hello. Is anyone paying attention?

Government socialism enslaves, even while it deludes itself into believing that it is freeing. The answer worldwide is always less government. Government action has enslaved and murdered more in the 20th century than religion did for the last 2000 years. (And the religions that did this functioned as governments because of their coercive exercise of power.)

(Some want to point to European models of socialism that worked. They don't, or at least, people don't take into account that these countries have, for the most part, been relieved of the burden of financially supporting their own militaries and defense by the huge support coming from the United States for NATO.)

As an individual, I resist all attempts for any government expansion. I believe the Federal government is Consitutionally powered to do only one-tenth of what it does.

Perhaps that explains more clearly why, even though I voted for him, I am only on board with about 30% of what President Bush stands for.

*** The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. Winston Churchill

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January 27, 2006

Ten Reasons Why My Blog Sucks

elociman is right. This blog sucks, and he suggests that I give you ten reasons why. That's easy.

1. I post too many fucking quizzes. (This is the obligatory #1 answer.)

2. I get too much on my own intellectual high horse.

3. I preach too much.

4. I don't tell enough personal stories.

5. I tell TOO many weirdly personal stories.

6. I don't email every person who comments.

7. I don't include on my StudWits and BabeWits lists all the blogs that deserve to be on those lists.

8. I rely too much on other people's material to fill out my blog.

9. I post too many stories without enough commentary

10. I don't link to enough Velociman posts.

Hmmm...Maybe I'm a candidate this year to become a DeadWit...

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January 26, 2006

Syria Has Iraq's WMD's

o says Sadaam's #2 guy:

The man who served as the no. 2 official in Saddam Hussein's air force says Iraq moved weapons of mass destruction into Syria before the war by loading the weapons into civilian aircraft in which the passenger seats were removed.

The Iraqi general, Georges Sada, makes the charges in a new book, "Saddam's Secrets," released this week. He detailed the transfers in an interview yesterday with The New York Sun.

"There are weapons of mass destruction gone out from Iraq to Syria, and they must be found and returned to safe hands," Mr. Sada said. "I am confident they were taken over."

Well, he is selling a book and is most likely a sociopath. But it makes sense, doesn't it?
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Auschwitz and Hamas

oday is the anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz. And today is the day when Israelis wake up to find that the Palestinians have elected Hamas as their party of choice. (Not that other party, Fatah, the one with terrorists in neckties as led by Arafat.)

You can bet that Israelis both left and right are uniting today with one thought on their mind: "You mean that after 12 years of concessions, you Palestinians have voted as your representatives THESE murderous bastards who openly say they want us all destroyed?"

Once again I urge every thoughtful mind to read Churchill's The Gathering Storm. Appeasement in the face of obvious evil ALWAYS leads to greater slaughter. Churchill documents how the failure of people in the 1930s to recognize the evil of and fight against the Nazis led to unnecessary millions slaughtered.

And now all the people in the U.S., Canada, Western Europe, and Israel who thought you could negotiate with The Palestinian Authority, who since 1995 was exposed as funneling Western funds to Hamas, has only made room for more slaughter.

The one good thing to come out of this election is that only the severely ideologically blind will fail to see what is now out in the open and obvious. The Palestinians are not interested in peace with Israel.

Israelis will most likely call for a united resitance against Hamas and the Palestinians.

Any hope of peace with the Palestinians has evaporated. The jig is up. Hamas stands with the Nazis in the poisonous ideology of Auschwitz.

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Bye Bye American Dinosaur?

ooks like American Dinosaur has hung up his hat. More blogs saying bye bye...
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January 25, 2006

Good Ol' MENSA

uggets took the MENSA test and got a respectable result. But it's good to keep in mind that there is something slightly askew with what the Mensans call "intelligence." Richard Mitchell has a brilliant chapter on that in The Gift of Fire. He really sticks it to the Mensans, and for good reason. Problem solving is only one component of intelligence.

I WENT TO TALK TO THE MENSANS. The members of Mensa are the smartest people in America, and I was intimidated. I was afraid that they might catch me in a circular argument or a lexigraphical fallacy. I was afraid that they would rise up, right in the middle of the pathetic little lecture I had thought up for them, and demolish my silly little premises, and then go, not storming, but laughing, from the room, to hold high converse among themselves, not even offering me any coffee and doughnuts.

The speech was meant to be the opener of a small convention, and scheduled to take place right after breakfast. I got there early, and was sent to join the Mensans in a room on the fourth floor, in an upper room, where they were standing around having coffee and doughnuts. I was relieved of at least one of my fears. But they were all watching television, and no one said anything to me. I stood around for a while and went back downstairs, where the brisk young woman who had sent me upstairs told me that I would have to understand that Mensans never did anything on schedule, and that I would have to wait till they came down, Soon, maybe.

I sat in the lobby and read some of the Mensan handouts that I found on the floor near the sofa. One of them was a sample test. To become a Mensan, you have to get high grades on some tests, and what I was reading was a kind of prep for those tests. It had some very interesting questions. One of them asked which diagram of a group of six would be generated by taking diagram C and subjecting it to whatever operations had transformed diagram A into diagram B. Or maybe it was the other way around. There was a very good train question, whose details I can't recall, but it had all the classical attributes of train questions--train A and train B leaving at different times from points C and D, moving at rates E and F, and meeting, at last, at the mysterious point X where ships also, I suppose, pass in the night. It really took me back. But the question I liked best of all went something like this:

"Bob and Carol and Alice and Ted all took the Mensa test. Bob scored higher than Alice, who scored ten points lower than Ted. Ted's score added to Carol's score and then divided by the difference between Bob's score and Alice's score was either twenty points more or twelve points less than the average of all four scores. Which of the four made it into Mensa? "

Well, I may have forgotten some of the less important details. But it was a great question.

Read the rest...

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Brains and Balls

hat's right. There is a proven correllation. Big balls, small brain:

Syracuse, N.Y. (AP) -- For some male bats, sexual prowess comes with a price � smaller brains. A research team led by Syracuse University biologist Scott Pitnick found that in bat species where the females are promiscuous, the males boasting the largest testicles also had the smallest brains. Conversely, where the females were faithful, the males had smaller testes and larger brains.

I wonder if there's an echo effect? --------

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Chinese New Year Wrap-up

t's Chinese New Year next week. The Chinese have an interesting idea about vacation traveling. It includes adult diapers:

SHANGHAI, China -- Don't leave home without it. Thousands of Chinese are taking that advice and packing adult diapers for their lunar New Year holiday trips.

Trains are so crowded, travelers cram every inch, including the usually stinking bathrooms.

That means people who have to go while they're on the go can't. So, they're stocking up on diapers. Sales of diapers have soared ahead of the holiday.

This year the lunar New Year celebration begins Jan. 29. Chinese officials estimate that trains will carry about 4 million people during the 40-day holiday period.

The problem arises from the need to sell twice as many tickets as there are train seats to accommodate the crush of travelers. Those without seats must find some place -- any place -- to put themselves, including in overhead racks, between cars and in toilets.

Just purchasing a ticket can mean lining up for hours.

Can you say, "Too many people"?

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Memes of Fours

wiped from Pammy:

Four Jobs I�ve Had In My Life:
Auto Yard Metal Cutter
Cutco Knives Salesman
Teacher at a Business College
Corporate Video Script Writer

Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over and Have:
The NeverEnding Story
The Fifth Element
Casablanca
The Philadelphia Story

Four Places I Have Lived:
Lincoln, Nebraska
Salina, Kansas
Minnetonka, Minnesota
Sacramento, California

Four TV Shows I Love to Watch:
Babylon 5
Stargate
Everybody Loves Raymond
House

Four Places I Have Been on Vacation:
London
Maui
Brisbane
Dublin

Four Websites I Visit Daily:

See StudWits and BabeWits lists.

Four Favorite Foods:
Ribeye steak
My special chicken recipe
Eggs Benedict (the wife's recipe)
Pasta Primavera (again the wife's recipe)

Four Places I Would Rather Be Right Now:
Home
Home
Home
Home (where the wife is)

Okay, I'll violate my longstanding resistance against memes and tag YOU. Let me know if it takes.

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My Wife and My Plasma

officially have too many remotes.

My wife is suffering brainmelt trying to understand that to watch a DVD she first has to take the PANASONIC Plasma TV remote and press Power, and then press TV/VIDEO to get the menu to scroll up to DVD and then press OK, and then set the TV audio to say 35, and then take the ONKYO receiver remote and press ON, then press the DVD button and then set the audio level to say 35, and then take the SONY DVD remote and press ON.

What's the friggin' deal?

Yet she insists that this is not a natural way to watch DVDs. Well, darling, it is if you want HD PLASMA VIDEO WIDESCREEN SUPER-SHARP IN-YOUR-FACE RADIANCE AND SUPER SURROUND SOUND THEATER ROCKET-LAUNCH BODY VIBRATING AUDIO LUSTER!

I just don't understand people who want Saturn V power with bottle rocket simplicity.

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January 24, 2006

"I Don't Support the Troops"

DON'T SUPPORT our troops. This is a particularly difficult opinion to have, especially if you are the kind of person who likes to put bumper stickers on his car. Supporting the troops is a position that even Calvin is unwilling to urinate on.

I'm sure I'd like the troops. They seem gutsy, young and up for anything. If you're wandering into a recruiter's office and signing up for eight years of unknown danger, I want to hang with you in Vegas.

And I've got no problem with other people � the ones who were for the Iraq war � supporting the troops. If you think invading Iraq was a good idea, then by all means, support away. Load up on those patriotic magnets and bracelets and other trinkets the Chinese are making money off of.

But I'm not for the war. And being against the war and saying you support the troops is one of the wussiest positions the pacifists have ever taken � and they're wussy by definition. It's as if the one lesson they took away from Vietnam wasn't to avoid foreign conflicts with no pressing national interest but to remember to throw a parade afterward.

Finally, an honest anti-war columnist who doesn't get all mealy-mouthed and say that he supports the troops and not the war. Gotta admire his willingness to tell it straight. Why are there so few who have the guts? But now that the crack is appearing in this dam, expect the dam to break with heaps of leftists following suit. Their motto: "Let's all be different, in the same way."

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Calling all Capricorns

was born on January 12. In 8th grade a friend showed me a book called Sex Life of the Signs and under "Capricorn" it said, and I'm not making this up: "Anytime, anywhere, any position."

Pretty much true for me. But I'm a guy. How about you Capricorns? True???

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2005 Darwin Awards Announced

hey're here! The Darwin Awards. People who die in order to raise the general IQ of the population. Here's a few of the nominees:

Mining for Elephants

(15 February 2005, Rushinga, Zimbabwe) The elephants were trampling Christian's maize field, which he planted on an elephant trail of long standing. He had to find a way to fight back! Fortunately, there was an old minefield nearby, on the Zimabwe-Mozambique border. Christian figured a few landmines planted around his field would soon teach the elephants a lesson they would never forget.

Christian may have gotten the idea of using the mines from a couple of incidents that had recently transpired. A local resident had been injured after picking up a landmine while herding cattle the week before. A week before that, another Rushinga man had lost part of his leg after stepping on a landmine. The other villagers saw the writing on the wall, and avoided the landmines.

But Christian realized they were just what he needed! Clearly, these mines could cause great damage to an elephant! He dug up five that had been exposed by recent heavy rains, and began carrying them home.

These unstable mines detonated, killing Christian instantly.

The total number of elephants injured? Zero.

Playing With Elephants

(28 January 2005, Pendang, Thailand) It's no secret that elephants are big. Elephants eat hundreds of pounds of food a day just to maintain their weight. Indian elephants are nine feet tall at the shoulder. They're so powerful that in Southeast Asia, males are used to haul massive tree trunks with their three-foot tusks, work performed by heavy equipment in other countries.

It's also no secret that teasing an animal makes it mad. Teasing a animal that can carry a tree with its tusks may not be a good idea. Yet that was the very idea that formed in Prawat's head, when he saw a herd of five performing elephants chained to trees outside a Buddhist temple.

While the owner waited inside for an entertainment permit, Prawat, a 50-year-old rubber-tapper, offered sugar cane to one of the ever-hungry elephants... then pulled it away. Then he did it again. And again. And again.

The game was great fun for Prawat, but the elephant quickly tired of it. The last time Prawat withdrew the treat, the elephant swung his massive tusks and gored him through the stomach. Prawat died on the way to the hospital.

Chimney Cleaning Grenade

(13 January 2005, Croatia) One fateful afternoon, 55-year-old Marko retreated to his semi-detached workshop to make himself a tool for chimney cleaning. The chimney was too high for a simple broom to work, but if he could attach a brush to a chain and then weigh it down with something, that would do the trick. But what could he use as a weight?

He happened to have the perfect object. It was heavy, yet compact. And best of all, it was made of metal, so he could weld it to the chain. He must have somehow overlooked the fact that it was also a hand grenade and was filled with explosive material.

Marko turned on his welding apparatus and began to create an arc between the chain and the grenade. As the metal heated up, the grenade exploded.

The force of the explosion killed poor Marko instantly, blasting shrapnel through the walls of the shed and shattering the windshield of a Mercedes parked outside. Marko's chimney was untouched, however.

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Penetrating Elvis

ou know there's more to the story than this:

PERTH, Australia (AP) -- A woman stabbed her boyfriend with a pair of scissors because he repeatedly played the Elvis Presley hit "Burning Love" on the King's birthday, police said Tuesday.

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Hey, They're All Vampyres

ome get more literal than others, but it's not REALLY that different. They're all bloodsuckers, right?:

MINNEAPOLIS, (AP) -- One gubernatorial candidate in Minnesota is giving a whole new meaning to the "dark side" of politics. A man who calls himself a satanic priest plans to run for governor on a 13-point platform that includes the public impaling of terrorists at the state Capitol building.

Jonathon Sharkey, also known as "The Impaler", plans to launch his gubernatorial campaign on � when else? � Friday the 13th. He'll make the announcement in Princeton.

"I'm going to be totally open and honest," said the 41-year-old leader of the "Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party."

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Future Jihad #3

uture Jihad #1 Future Jihad #2

This continues my discusion of FUTURE JIHAD: Terrorist Strategies against America, by Walid Phares.

Phares outlines how the mejliss, the council that met after Mohammed's death, set the frontiers of the Islamic state as limitless. "The Muslin 'army' undertook a comprehensive, openly acknowledged series of military campaigns from Arabia and Spain in the West and to India in the East. Later on, the expansion of the religion of Islam went beyond the sovereignty of the caliphate."

And unlike the Vikings and the Huns, who conquered without justification, "the Arab conquerers were intellectually sophisticated. They wanted to achieve state expansion goals under a sound religious doctrine, and so they constructed one."

Nice.

Phares continues in a detailed section describing dar el Islam, meaning House of Peace. Outside of this was dar el Harb, House of War. Basically, everything not within dar el Islam has no peace.

Wonderful.

Because Phares has so much rich material in the first chapter, I cannot cover it all, so I will just let you know that I am jumping many pages of important history. I will try to confine myself to highlights.

You will recall that Osama recently offered a truce with the West. Here's a paragraph (p. 35) where Phares gives us an idea of the Islamic idea of such a truce. Remember, Osama is striving for a world Islamic state and the establishing of the Caliphate:

"While the decision to wage jihad and to order more fatah was unilateral and based on geopolitical calcalutations, the public argumentation was always refined. Despite the fact that the Islamic state systematically lacked legitimacy during most of the jihad wars for a thousand years, its historians, clerics, and rulers feverishly invoked grounds for unilateral offensives. The most intereesting reasons came at the onset of the conquests. The argument ran as follows: The caliph sends delegates to an infidel city calling on its monarch and inhabitants to convert. They are given the option to do so and maintain their power structure in the city. This is the peace option. If they refuse to join the caliphate, they are 'breaching' the peace and are considered to be on the path of war. This is the jihad option. Ironically, some historians sliced off the first step and argued that the caliphate was a peacemaker because it constantly offered peace treaties. The so-called Middle East experts did not put the offer in its original perspective, that is, 'You will have peace if you surrender to my rule.' This very fundamental root of caliphate colonial policy was similar to but more subtle than the Pax Romana. The Romans directly asked for surrender, because they did not have a state religious agenda. The caliphate wanted the same, but aimed ultimately to transform the conquered people and absorb them into the identity of the conquerer."

In a previous paragraph Phares describes the process: "Thus, the logic of jihad--statist logic par excellence--was to wage fatah when possible, conclude sulh [interim peace] when needed, and go back to jiahd when conditions were right again."

In other words, the wagers of jihad have constructed a careful religious logic that jihad and warmaking is defensive. In the same way that the Nazi and Soviet states claimed to be on the defensive when claiming neighboring countries.

More to come in Future Jihad #4.

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January 23, 2006

Just Call Her "Nails"

alk about a misplaced career! Ouch!

TOKYO (Reuters) - A Japanese nurse who tried to relieve her work stress by tearing off patients' nails was sentenced Monday to three years and eight months in prison.

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More Blogs Bite the Dust

adly, The Cheesemistress has closed up shop. No more nipple napping. And Johnny Knuckles hasn't posted in six months. I've added them to the DeadWits category. *sigh* --------

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The Wisdom of Churchill

[I remind you once again, dear reader, that there are two kinds of people in the world: Those who have read and appreciated Winston Churchill, and those who have not. If you hold yourself up as one who has informed political opinions and you have not read Churchill, especially The Gathering Storm (read the Amazon comments), then you are an unconscious fraud. If your mind struggles with his writing, the problem is not with his writing. Read, study and cherish. Your mind will be the wiser for it.]

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

A joke is a very serious thing.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.

All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.

Although present on the occasion, I have no clear recollection of the events leading up to it.

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.

Battles are won by slaughter and maneuver. The greater the general, the more he contributes in maneuver, the less he demands in slaughter.

Broadly speaking, the short words are the best, and the old words best of all.

By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.

Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities... because it is the quality which guarantees all others.

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.

Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

Danger - if you meet it promptly and without flinching - you will reduce the danger by half. Never run away from anything. Never!

Dictators ride to and fro upon tigers which they dare not dismount. And the tigers are getting hungry.

Difficulties mastered are opportunities won.

Do not let spacious plans for a new world divert your energies from saving what is left of the old.

Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.

Eating words has never given me indigestion.

Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.

Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.

For my part, I consider that it will be found much better by all parties to leave the past to history, especially as I propose to write that history myself.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.

I also hope that I sometimes suggested to the lion the right place to use his claws.

I always avoid prophesying beforehand, because it is a much better policy to prophesy after the event has already taken place.

I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught.

I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.

I am certainly not one of those who need to be prodded. In fact, if anything, I am the prod.

I am easily satisfied with the very best.

I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

I am never going to have anything more to do with politics or politicians. When this war is over I shall confine myself entirely to writing and painting.

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I got into my bones the essential structure of the ordinary British sentence-which is a noble thing.

I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

I like a man who grins when he fights.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I never worry about action, but only inaction.

I was only the servant of my country and had I, at any moment, failed to express her unflinching resolve to fight and conquer, I should at once have been rightly cast aside.

I'm just preparing my impromptu remarks.

If Hitler invaded hell I would make at least a favorable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.

If I was your wife Sir, I'd poison you! Madam, if you were my wife, I'd let you!

If the Almighty were to rebuild the world and asked me for advice, I would have English Channels round every country. And the atmosphere would be such that anything which attempted to fly would be set on fire.

If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time-a tremendous whack.

If you have ten thousand regulations you destroy all respect for the law.

If you're going through hell, keep going.

In those days he was wiser than he is now; he used to frequently take my advice.

In war as in life, it is often necessary when some cherished scheme has failed, to take up the best alternative open, and if so, it is folly not to work for it with all your might.

In war, you can only be killed once, but in politics, many times.

In wartime, truth is so precious that she should always be attended by a bodyguard of lies.

It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.

It is a fine thing to be honest, but it is also very important to be right.

It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.

It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link of the chain of destiny can be handled at a time.

It is more agreeable to have the power to give than to receive.

It is no use saying, 'We are doing our best.' You have got to succeed in doing what is necessary.

It was the nation and the race dwelling all round the globe that had the lion's heart. I had the luck to be called upon to give the roar.

Kites rise highest against the wind - not with it.

Let our advance worrying become advance thinking and planning.

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Meeting Franklin Roosevelt was like opening your first bottle of champagne; knowing him was like drinking it.

Moral of the Work. In war: resolution. In defeat: defiance. In victory: magnanimity. In peace: goodwill.

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.

My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.

Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never, in nothing, great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense.

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few.

"No comment" is a splendid expression. I am using it again and again.

No crime is so great as daring to excel.

No folly is more costly than the folly of intolerant idealism.

No idea is so outlandish that it should not be considered with a searching but at the same time a steady eye.

No lover ever studied every whim of his mistress as I did those of President Roosevelt.

No part of the education of a politician is more indispensable than the fighting of elections.

Nothing can be more abhorrent to democracy than to imprison a person or keep him in prison because he is unpopular. This is really the test of civilization.

Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.

Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.

One ought never to turn one's back on a threatened danger and try to run away from it. If you do that, you will double the danger. But if you meet it promptly and without flinching, you will reduce the danger by half. Never run away from anything. Never!

Out of intense complexities intense simplicities emerge.

Perhaps it is better to be irresponsible and right, than to be responsible and wrong.

Play the game for more than you can afford to lose... only then will you learn the game.

Politics are very much like war. We may even have to use poison gas at times.

Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

Russia is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.

Short words are best and the old words when short are best of all.

Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery.

Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong.

Some people regard private enterprise as a predatory tiger to be shot. Others look on it as a cow they can milk. Not enough people see it as a healthy horse, pulling a sturdy wagon.

Study history, study history. In history lies all the secrets of statecraft.

Success is going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiam.

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

Sure I am of this, that you have only to endure to conquer. You have only to persevere to save yourselves.

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

The British nation is unique in this respect. They are the only people who like to be told how bad things are, who like to be told the worst.

The empires of the future are the empires of the mind.

The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see.

The first quality that is needed is audacity.

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.

The latest refinements of science are linked with the cruelties of the Stone Age.

The length of this document defends it well against the risk of its being read.

The nose of the bulldog has been slanted backwards so that he can breathe without letting go.

The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

The power of man has grown in every sphere, except over himself.

The price of greatness is responsibility.

The problems of victory are more agreeable than those of defeat, but they are no less difficult.

The reserve of modern assertions is sometimes pushed to extremes, in which the fear of being contradicted leads the writer to strip himself of almost all sense and meaning.

The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.

There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true.

There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.

There is no such thing as a good tax.

There is no such thing as public opinion. There is only published opinion.

They are decided only to be undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, solid for fluidity, all-powerful to be impotent.

This is no time for ease and comfort. It is time to dare and endure.

Those who can win a war well can rarely make a good peace and those who could make a good peace would never have won the war.

To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day.

To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.

Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong only because he has remained silent.

True genius resides in the capacity for evaluation of uncertain, hazardous, and conflicting information.

Victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory however long and hard the road may be; for without victory, there is no survival.

War is mainly a catalogue of blunders.

We are all worms. But I believe that I am a glow-worm.

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

We must beware of needless innovations, especially when guided by logic.

We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.

We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival.

We shape our dwellings, and afterwards our dwellings shape us.

When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home.

When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.

When the eagles are silent the parrots begin to jabber.

When the war of the giants is over the wars of the pygmies will begin.

When you are winning a war almost everything that happens can be claimed to be right and wise.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

When you took your seat I felt as if a woman had come into my bathroom and I had only the sponge to defend myself.

Without a measureless and perpetual uncertainty, the drama of human life would be destroyed.

Without tradition, art is a flock of sheep without a shepherd. Without innovation, it is a corpse.

Writing a book is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement; then it becomes a mistress, and then it becomes a master, and then a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster, and fling him out to the public.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.

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New-Age Zen

• ave the whales. Collect the whole set.
• A day without sunshine is like�night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Remember, half the people you know are below average.
• He who laughs last, thinks the slowest.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
• Monday is the first chance you have to make a dollar this week.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
• Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
• Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
• Those of you who believe in psycho-kinesis please raise my hand...
• So what's the speed of dark?
• How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
• If everything seems to be going well, obviously you have overlooked something.
• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
• Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
• Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If at first you don't succeed, quit.
• My other t-shirt says Porsche.
• Why didn't anybody tell us about this place, and how can we prevent others from discovering it?
• It's all so simple or all so complex, or neither or both.
• Please show me some more of what I can't have.
• Don't you just hate judgmental people?
• Me... a skeptic? I trust you have proof...
• Without time, everything would happen at once!
• It is not fair your retaliating against my unprovoked attacks!
• I am looking for freedom; can you direct me?
• Bad spellers of the world UNTIE!
• Refuse Novacaine... Transcend Dental Medication.
• All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and ultimate power.
• When I discover truth, I will tell you, if telling you still seems important.
• I have given up my search for truth and am now looking for a good fantasy.
• We hold meetings to discuss problems that would never occur if we held fewer meetings.
• The purpose of our organization is to perpetuate our organization.
• If everything is part of the Whole, what is the Whole part of?
• Let's all be different, in the same way.

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January 19, 2006

Sadaam Training Thousands of Terrorists

hy? Why do we still have people who argue that there is no connection between 9/11 and Iraq? True, Sadaam did not directly participate in the planning and execution of that attack. But that doesn't mean there are no connections. From Stephen F. Hayes:

THE FORMER IRAQI REGIME OF Saddam Hussein trained thousands of radical Islamic terrorists from the region at camps in Iraq over the four years immediately preceding the U.S. invasion, according to documents and photographs recovered by the U.S. military in postwar Iraq. The existence and character of these documents has been confirmed to THE WEEKLY STANDARD by eleven U.S. government officials.

Get ready to NOT hear this on the evening news.

Many of the fighters were drawn from terrorist groups in northern Africa with close ties to al Qaeda, chief among them Algeria's GSPC and the Sudanese Islamic Army. Some 2,000 terrorists were trained at these Iraqi camps each year from 1999 to 2002, putting the total number at or above 8,000.

So, Sadaam would have nothing to do with al Qaeda jihadists, eh?

The discovery of the information on jihadist training camps in Iraq would seem to have two major consequences: It exposes the flawed assumptions of the experts and U.S. intelligence officials who told us for years that a secularist like Saddam Hussein would never work with Islamic radicals, any more than such jihadists would work with an infidel like the Iraqi dictator. It also reminds us that valuable information remains buried in the mountain of documents recovered in Afghanistan and Iraq over the past four years. [my emphasis]

Let's put this silly notion that the Iraq war is separate from 9/11 behind us please.

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Dave Barry's 2005 Year in Review

nce again it's time for Dave Barry's Annual Wrap Party. One man's sophomore's take on how 2005 REALLY went. Here's something to get you started:

How wack was 2005? Martha Stewart did time. Michael Jackson got off. The star of Washington's biggest scandal was named 'Scooter.' And four years after 9/11, Katrina turned out to be a bigger threat than Osama. Crazy stuff, but not to worry: Herewith, eminent historian Dave 'Booger' Barry sorts it all out

It was the Year of the Woman. But not in a good way.

Oh, I'm not saying that men did nothing stupid or despicable in 2005. Of course they did! That's why we call them "men."

But women are supposed to be better than men. Women are the backbone of civilization: They keep families together, nurture relationships, uphold basic standards of morality and go to the bathroom without making noise. Women traditionally shun the kinds of pointless, brutal, destructive activities that so often involve men, such as mass murder and fantasy football.

But not this year. Women got crazy in 2005. Consider some of the year's more disturbing stories, and look at the names connected with them: Martha Stewart. Judith Miller. Valerie Plame. Jennifer "Runaway Bride" Wilbanks. Paris Hilton. Greta "All Natalee Holloway, All the Time" Van Susteren. Harriet Miers. Katrina. Rita. Wilma. Michael Jackson.

Of course not all the alarming stories from 2005 involved women. Some of them involved men, and at least one of those men was named "Scooter."

I'll be honest: I don't really know who "Scooter" is, or what he allegedly did. He's involved in one of those inside-the-Beltway-style scandals that are very, very important but way too complicated for regular non-Beltway humans to comprehend. You try to read a Scooter story, and, next thing you know, you're emerging from a coma weeks later with spiders nesting in your ears.

But whatever Scooter allegedly did, it was bad. We know this because pretty much all the news this year was bad. Oh, sure, there were some positive developments. Here is a complete list:

In some areas, the price of gasoline, much of the time, remained below $5 a gallon.

Nobody you know caught avian flu. Yet.

The Yankees once again failed to win the World Series.

Cher actually ended her farewell tour.

Click here for more.

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Where Can I Look It Up?

T to wordsmith.org.
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Who Said It?

"There is nothing patriotic about hating your country, or pretending that you can love your country but despise your government. There is nothing heroic about turning your back on America, or ignoring your own responsibilities."

The speaker: Bill Clinton, May 5, 1995. HT to James Taranto.

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She'll Set Your Lolly Gaggin'

ammy has three great stories to tell about being a nurse. Seems she's being inteviewed for some TV show that should be aired on The Learning Channel that's supposed to reveal the hilarious truth about Americans. Pop over and read. NOW!

Choice quotes:

"Now, remember...I'd had a couple drinks before dinner. A couple drinks AFTER dinner. And, a large glass of water DURING dinner. And, have I mentioned that I have a bladder the size of a walnut? Uh huh."

"Jackie said later it looked like one of those pratfalls in silent movies�the ones where EVERYTHING is in the air at once�head, body AND feet. She actually SAW my feet up above the footboard of the bed."

"�He�s too sick to live, but can�t die,� I said. The doc just stood there, nodding his head in agreement. "

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And I have a bridge to sell you...

sama offers Americans a truce, and I have a bridge to sell you. Here is a catalog of lying-bsatardly lies in his latest lying message:

"We do not mind establishing a long-term truce between us and you."

"It was not my intention to talk to you about this, because those wars are definitely going our way."

"We are getting increasingly stronger while your situation is getting from bad to worse."

"In response to the substance of the polls in the US, which indicate that Americans do not want to fight Muslims on Muslim land, nor do they want Muslims to fight them on their land, we do not mind offering a long-term truce based on just conditions that we will stick to."

"We are a nation that Allah banned from lying and stabbing others in the back, hence both parties of the truce will enjoy stability and security to rebuild Iraq and Afghanistan, which were destroyed by war."

"In response to the substance of the polls in the US, which indicate that Americans do not want to fight Muslims ... we do not mind offering a long-term truce based on just conditions that we will stick to."

"I would like to tell you that everything is going to our advantage and the number of your dead is increasing, according to Pentagon figures."

He is a liar. All tyrants lie to get what they want. He has no shame about lying to infidels. All in all I'd say this message indicates how BAD it's going for him.

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Children, On Marriage

. You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

2. No person really decides before they grow up whom they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

1. Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

2. No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

1. Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

2. On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

1. When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

2. The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7

3. The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

1. I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. -- Theodore, age 8

2. It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (Bless you child!)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10

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The Lawyer and the Blonde

o who's the dummy?

***

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The woman just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains �I ask you a question, and if you don�t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice-versa.�

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, �Okay, if you don�t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don�t know the answer, I will pay you $50.00!� He figures that since she is a blonde he will easily win the match.

This catches the woman�s attention. Figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. �What�s the distance from the earth to the moon?�

The blonde doesn�t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it�s her turn. She asks the lawyer: �What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?�

The lawyer gives her a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to his coworkers and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50.00.

The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, �Well, so what IS the answer!?�

Without a word, she reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

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CIA, FBI and NYPD

his joke was told in Nelson Demille's The Lion's Game, a great sequel to Plum Island.

The CIA, FBI, and the NYPD were all asked to prove that they were the best at apprehending criminals. The President decided to give them a test. He released a white rabbit into a forest and issued orders that each of them catch it.

The CIA led off. They placed animal informants throughout the forest. They questioned all the plant and animal material witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI followed the CIA in. After two weeks with no leads, they bombed the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies, the rabbit had it coming.

The NYPD went in. After two hours they came out with a badly beaten bear, who was yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

***

Here's the Australian version of the joke. Hope some readers get it:

The Australian Prime Minister hears about the American test and decides to test Australian Law Enforcement Agencies. He releases a white rabbit into the forest outside Canberra.

The Victorian Police charge in. They return after 15 minutes with a koala, a kangaroo, and a tree fern all shot to pieces. "They looked like dangerous rabbits and we had to act in self defence" is their explanation.

The NSW Police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top ranking officers and rabbits dancing around a gum tree stoned out of their minds.

The Queensland Police go in. Shortly afterwards they come out driving a brand new Mercedes, scantily clad rabbits draped all over them. The Qld Premier congratulates them on maintaining traditional values.

The ACC couldn't catch the rabbit, but promise if they are given a budget increase they can recover 90 million from the rabbit in unpaid taxes and proceeds of crime.

The WA Police went into the forest and caught the white rabbit, but the rabbit inexplicably hung itself when the attending officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of coffee.

The NT and SA Police join forces to beat the crap out of every rabbit in the forest except the white one. They know it is the black ones who cause all the trouble.

The Australian Federal Police refuse to go in. They examine the issues, particularly cost, and decide that because of the low priority and cost to the organization as a whole, the matter should be rejected and returned to the referring department for investigation.

ASIO goes into the wrong forest.

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January 18, 2006

Vote Brain Damage!

ometimes I like to check in on Ann Coulter and read her latest broadside against the Demos. I like her take-no-prisoners prose. She's definitely one who doesn't weasal her words:

In the history of the nation, there has never been a political party so ridiculous as today's Democrats. It's as if all the brain-damaged people in America got together and formed a voting bloc.

[...]

The Republican Party emerged from the Whigs when the Whigs waffled on slavery. (They were "pro-choice" on slavery.) The Republican Party was founded expressly as the anti-slavery party, which to a great extent remains their position today. Having won that one, today's Republican Party stands for life, limited government and national defense.

And today's Democratic Party stands for ... the right of women to have unprotected sex with men they don't especially like. We're the Blacks-Aren't-Property/Don't-Kill-Babies party. They're the Hook-Up party.

I'm not a Republican but heh heh... --------

Posted by witnit at 2:31 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

He Who Does Not Study Histoy...

posted this as a comment on to something written by our Maximum Leader over at Naked Villainy (with some correction in spelling):

I think we need a more accurate term than "wiretapping." This is not a case where someone is listening to recordings hoping to hear something criminal. This is the NSA using computers to scan conversations (NOT listen to them) for targeted language that may trigger a listening. And we are talking of about 500 targeted individuals overseas who may HAPPEN to call INTO the U.S.

Any suggestion that there is large-scale "wiretapping" of the phones of U.S. citizens is simply political rhetoric.

The 500 names were derived from captured laptops and cell phone of IDENTIFIED al Qaeda members.

Given 9/11, I think the administration has been operating with great restraint.

I also am continually saddened at the New York Times continual willingness to publish the tactics being used in this war against al Qaeda.

This is not like The Pentagon Papers. This is something new. Look, war is hell and war means our military routinely kills people without trial. We have moved into warfare, beyond law enforcement. If we continue to reign in our tactics and question our war footing in a law-enforcement mode, we will continue to put thousands of American lives in danger.

This is not an academic distinction.

Again, I encourage people to read The Gathering Storm by Winston Churchill. He does a superb job of showing the competing mentalities over the responses to Hitler. There are many parallels to today's responses to the War on suicidal jihadism.

The delays in addressing Hitler resulted in millions of unnecessary deaths. We are following that same path today.

Read it and be informed. As always, he who does not study history...

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Final Destination

fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore --where a tree blew over and killed him.

Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge --killing him.

Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, Rhode Island, narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.

Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.

In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright; killed by a heart attack.

A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.

Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.

In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of sticky beaks gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van ploughed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit--Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.

While motor cycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.

Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the centre of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalised with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.

In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979. This followed a fight that started when one of the men threw a French fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.

Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbour came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.

An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter, which was kept inside the broom cupboard. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gasman blinked, excused himself and departed.

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Plasma Schmasma

nyone have a 14-year-old boy I can borrow to set up my plasma home theater and program the remotes to work with DirecTV with two satellite inputs?

I didn't think so.

I'm normally quite good with electronics, but now I've stepped into it: Complexity of setup and programming that tries my patience. Jeez. The last time I setup a sound system was about 9 years ago. Lot's changed since then.

HDMI and XM satellite radio and optical audio connections and figuring out Component / Composite / S-Video connection mixes and how the hell can I get both my VCR and my new DVD recorder to both work off my Onkyo receiver.

Shoot me in the head now!!!

Well, at least as of last night I got both the Tivo and the DVD playing with my new Klipsch 5.1 home theater speakers. The receiver supports 7.1 but Jeez who needs SIDE surround speakers?

And why is it that my Cambridge Soundworks subwoofer with stereo RCA connectors won't connect to my Onkyo, which only has a SINGLE RCA output???

Guess I now have to shop for a new subwoofer.

Anyone have XM and is loving it or hating it?

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January 16, 2006

LASOB

y generous host in Australia handed over megabytes of wit and wisdom. That's the source of all the humor lately. You'll see lots more cause for the next few months I'll be a Lazy Ass Sonofabitch cause of all the traveling I'll be doing.

February - Asilomar and Taiwan
March- South Korea, Taiwan, China
April - Singapore, Chanhassen
May - Who the heck knows...

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EuroEnglish

he European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place....

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A Few Cosmic Laws

aw of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Law of Variation: If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you moved to.

Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of the Public Toilet: When you are the only one in a 10-stall bathroom, the next person to come in will use the one right next to you.

Law of the Urinal: When there are multiple urinals, men will keep one unused urinal between them as long as possible.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Violation of this law may be construed as a threat.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Law of Time: It will take longer than you expect, even when you take the Law of Time into account.

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January 13, 2006

Alito Transcripts

HIS WILL STAY ON TOP ALL WEEK

Here we go again. Another Supreme Court nominee and it looks like he's almost as qualified as Chief Justice Roberts. Judge Alito has 15 years of decisions and opinions as a judge on the Philadelphia-based 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals. Quite a record. He has also received the highest rating from the American Bar Association, not well known for being conservative.

Anyway, I'll post transcripts as I can get to them. There's no doubt that reading what he actually says will be enlightening. (That is, versus what people will SAY he said.)

DAY ONE
- Opening Statement - Samuel Alito
Opening Statements of Senators
- Part 1: Specter, Leahy, Hatch, Kennedy, Grassley, Biden, Kyl, Kohl, Dewine, Feinstein, Sessions, Feingold, Graham, Schumer
- Part 2: Cornyn, Durbin, Brownback, Coburn, Lautenberg, Whitman, Specter

DAY TWO - Q&A

- Part 1: Specter, Leahy, Hatch, Kennedy, Grassley, Biden, Kyl
- Part 2: Kyl, Kohl, Dewine, Feinstein, Sessions, Feingold, Hatch
- Part 3: Graham, Schumer, Cornyn

DAY THREE - Q&A
- Part 1: Description to come
- Part 2: Description to come

- Part 3: Description to come

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January 11, 2006

Uncle Milty

couple of good ones from Milton Berle:

Laughter is an instant vacation. Milton Berle

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? Milton Berle

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New BabeWits

've added two girl blogs to the BabeWits list, for that oh-so-good female perspective:

Leslie's Omnibus: A Chicago girl who's been doing good bloggin' for about 18 months.

Moxie: An antidote to the common illness known as liberalism.

Check 'em out!

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January 10, 2006

Stroke Your Ego

hanks to Dax for the tip:

Get stroked!

(You know, I think there's something off with this google meter. Not only do I get a higher score than Dax, which is odd, I get a higher score than Acidman when I enter "gut rumbles" and his website. Well, must be all those silly bloglists I signed up for. I'd be lucky if I had half the readership those two guys get.)

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Disorder in the Court

rom a little book called Disorder in the Court, they're things people actually said in court, word for word. Enjoy.

Q. What is your date of birth?
A. July fifteenth.
Q. What year?
A. Every year.

Q. What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A. Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q. This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A. Yes.
Q. And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A. I forget.
Q. You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q. How old is your son - the one living with you?
A. Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q. How long has he lived with you?
A. Forty-five years.

Q. What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A. He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q. And why did that upset you?
A. My name is Susan.

Q. And where was the location of the accident?
A. Approximately milepost 499.
Q. And where is milepost 499?
A. Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q. Sir, what is your IQ?
A. Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q. Did you blow your horn or anything?
A. After the accident?
Q. Before the accident.
A. Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q. Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A. We both do.
Q. Voodoo?
A. We do.
Q. You do?
A. Yes, voodoo.

Q. Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A. Yes.
Q. Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. What did she say?
A. What disco am I at?

Q. So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. And what were you doing at that time?

Q. You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A. Yes.
Q. And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q. Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A. I went to Europe, Sir.
Q. And you took your new wife?

Q. How was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Can you describe the individual?
A. He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q. Was this a male, or a female?

Q. Is your appearance her this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q. All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A. Oral.

Q. Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A. The autopsy started around 8.30 p.m.
Q. And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A. No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q. You were not shot in the fracas?
A. No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A. No.
Q. Did you check for blood pressure?
A. No.
Q. Did you check for breathing?
A. No.
Q. So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A. No.
Q. How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A. Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q. But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A. It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

***********

More from another source (may be some duplication):

What is your brother-in-law's name?
Borofkin.
What's his first name?
I can't remember.
He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
I refuse to answer that question.
Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
I refuse to answer that question.
Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
No.

Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?

Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

What is your name?
Ernestine McDowell.
And what is your marital status?
Fair.

Are you married?
No, I'm divorced.
And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A lot of things I didn't know about.

And who is this person you are speaking of?
My ex-widow said it.
How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
I will be three months November 8th.
Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
Yes.
What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
I should be.
How many times have you comitted suicide?
Four times.

Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Were you aquainted with the deceased?
Yes, sir.
Before or after he died?

Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

What happened then?
He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Did he kill you?
No.

Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
No.
What was he doing with the dog's ears?
Picking them up in the air.
Where was the dog at this time?
Attached to the ears.

When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
She is my daughter.
Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

...and what did he do then?
He came home, and next morning he was dead.
So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
It was covered?
Yes, bandaged.
Then, later on.. what did you see?
I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Could you see him from where you were standing?
I could see his head.
And where was his head?
Just above his shoulders.

What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and she did!

Do you drink when you're on duty?
I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
The victim lived.

Are you sexually active?
No, I just lie there.

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Yes, I have been since early childhood.

What is the meaning of sperm being present?
It indicates intercourse.
Male sperm?
That is the only kind I know.

(Showing man picture.) That's you?
Yes, sir.
And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

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A Public Service Message for Women

ecause I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in. AAA is not an option. I will win. ___________________________________ Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion. ___________________________________ Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem. ___________________________________ Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. ___________________________________ Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. ___________________________________ Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator). This applies to engineers mainly. ___________________________________ Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always sex, cars, sports, or beer. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask. ___________________________________ Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too. ___________________________________ Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. And if you are feeling amorous afterwards, then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to my mates. ___________________________________ Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? ___________________________________ Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do. ___________________________________

This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men.

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January 9, 2006

Remembering Aesop's Scorpian

nce again, Johan Goldberg nails it. In his response to Steven Speilberg's Munich, he lays out in wonderful prose and thought why it's dangerous to give murderous jihadists any moral standing:

Ever since World War II, the German city of Munich has been symbolic of a single, solitary political lesson: the folly of "appeasement." The 1938 Munich Pact represented the futility of compromising with evil. This was always a bit unfair to poor British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain, who had better reasons to sign on to the pact than most people remember. But the moral of the story was a good one, going all the way back to Aesop, who told the fable of the scorpion and the frog, which ends with the frog being shocked that the scorpion would sting him even though the scorpion could do nothing else, for that was its nature.

Hitler was a scorpion, and thinking or hoping otherwise wouldn't change that fact. Much of the Cold War was predicated on this lesson, as the World War II generation agreed not to let down its guard ever again.

Steven Spielberg would like to rewrite the meaning of Munich. In his film about the response to the massacre of Israeli athletes at the 1972 Munich Olympics, Spielberg seems determined to invest the word with a new meaning: We must not treat scorpions like scorpions.

As craft, Spielberg's Munich is a fine piece of work. Its status as art is much more debatable. But, as political commentary, it's dangerously deceptive and, to a certain degree, childish.

Read the whole thing. Jonah is simply one of the finest thinking writers on the planet.
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Idiocy

ean Pean can't quit smoking. He blames George Bush.
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Irony

eddy Kennedy has a dog named Splash. --------

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A SEAL Lesson

he Colossus of Rhodey picked this up somewhere and liked it. Couldn't help stealing it. It's apocryphal, but still makes a point. I have an acquaintance who is a former Navy SEAL. The best neighbor is one who will take a stand for what's right.

****

Navy SEALs are always taught:
1) Keep your priorities in order and
2) Know when to act without hesitation.

A Navy SEAL was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day he shocked the class when he came in, looked to the ceiling, and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the SEAL got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The SEAL went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the SEAL and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The SEAL calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole.

So He sent me."

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50 Years Old

n Thursday, January 12, I turn 50 years old. My wife asked me over the weekend what I wanted for my birthday. I took her to Fry's. I showed it to her. I actually showed her two versions of the same thing, but one cost $500 more. She preferred the more expensive one. (It had the extra functionality for her video needs.)

Tomorrow, my new 42" plasma TV arrives. (Panasonic TH-42PX500U, a big thumb's up from Consumer Reports.)

Next month, I will have to explain to my wife why my current audio system is not good enough and we need to spend another thousand dollars for home theater.

P.S. I asked about the extended warranty because if I was going to spend $3800 on a TV, especially a plasma, it would be worth it. But $799 for 3 years???? Heh, heh. Excuse me. I'll take my chances.

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Bill Gates's Rules

his is old, but it's a good reminder. (Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this!):

To anyone with kids of any age, or anyone who has ever been a kid, here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did NOT learn in school. He talks about how feel-good politically correct teachings created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

UPDATE: It's actually from a book by Charles Sykes, Dumbing Down Our Kids.

Rule 1: Life is not fair-get used to it.

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone, until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

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Signs of the Times

ign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." ************************** In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." ************************** On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels ************************** On another Septic Tank Truck: "We're #1 in the #2 business." ************************** At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in." ************************** On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." ************************** On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." ************************** On a Church's Billboard: "7 days without God makes one weak." ************************** At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." ************************** On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" ************************** At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." ************************** On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." ************************** **In a Nonsmoking Area**: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." ************************** On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." ************************** At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." ************************** On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." ************************** On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!" ************************** At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." ************************** Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." ************************* In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" ************************** At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." ************************** In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up." ************************** In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." ************************** --------

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Your Helpful Postal Service

oday, in the interests of public service, we will provide a guide to the new postal service postage stamp increase from $.37 to $.39 that was instituted yesterday, January 8, 2006.

Q. When did the increase take effect?
A. Don't be a moron.

Q. What do I do with the $.37 stamps I already have?
A. The timing of the increase was designed to take advantage of all the stamps you would buy over the holidays and have left over.

Q. That didn't answer my question.
A. If you listen to the news reports, you will need to buy $.02 stamps to add to your mailings along with your $.37 stamp.

Q. But I just went to the post office this morning at 7:00 am and the machine doesn't have $.02 stamps.
A. That is correct. Your postal service did not print up extra $.02 stamps because you were notified by the media well in advance (at least a couple of weeks) that this rate hike would take effect in January. It's not our fault that you were thinking of other things during the holiday season. But don't fear. You will find $.03 stamps in the machine from the last rate hike from $.34 to $.37.

Q. But why should I pay for $.03 stamps when all I need is $.02 cent stamps? What the hell are you thinking?
A. We are thinking two things: 1) Since we got the $.03 stamps out late, we have a whole bunch of them left over and need to off them on citizens who are for the most part poor planners. Thank you. 2) Like all government agencies, we have an unwritten regulation: "Do not appear to be too efficient. Otherwise, citizens may actually EXPECT efficiency from you. (And besides, you don't want to make your fellow postal employees look bad.")

Q. @#%$&*
A. Thank you for using the U.S. Postal Service. Your words of encouragement are greatly appreciated.

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January 6, 2006

My Answering Machine

i. Mark. Message. Beep. Copyright 2006 by the Reader's Digest. --------

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The Wedding

acob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a Chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

Pharmacist: "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety..... the works!"

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?"

Jacob: "We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Registry."

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Feeling Dumb?

o need.

1. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

2. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." Mariah Carey

3. �Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22

4. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, (answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes)

5. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

6. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward

7. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

8. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.

9. "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." General William Westmoreland

10. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." Hillary Clinton (commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents)

11. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." Former French President Charles De Gaulle

12. "That low-down scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." A Congressional Candidate in Texas

13. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." Former U.S. Vice-president Dan Quayle

14. And last but not least, another word from Dan Quayle: "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

Your additions are welcome.

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The Ant and the Grasshopper

LD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

Then CNN shows up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. The country is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog and Sen. Ted Kennedy appear on 60 Minutes with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing It's Not Easy Being Green.

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house and the news stations film the group singing We Shall Overcome. Al Sharpton then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. Hillary Clinton and Chuck Schumer exclaim in an interview with Katie Couric on The Today Show that the ant has become rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the Democrats draft the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act", retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

The ACLU represents the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a jury of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the dust and is quietly re-building ahead of the fast-approaching winter. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighbourhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Liberal!

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True Tales of In-Flight Instructions

ll too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported.

• On an Air NZ Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

• On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

• "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft."

• As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

• After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a flight attendant announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as dickens everything has shifted."

• From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

• "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

• "Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."

• "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

• "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."

• Heard just after a very hard landing in Hobart - the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite bump, and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"

• Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

• An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying United." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?� The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

• After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

• Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas."

• A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...No! Arghhh! OH, MY GOD NO!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

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St. Peter and the Politician

hile walking down the street, a well-known politician is hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven, and he is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see such politicians up here, you see, and so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem," says the politician, "just let me in".

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from 'on high.' What we do is have you spend a day in hell, and a day in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Okay, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the politician.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules," insists St. Peter. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to the escalator and he descends to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who'd worked with him. Everyone is happy and they run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times.

They play a great game of golf and then dine on crayfish, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who's really a very friendly guy; dancing and telling jokes. They're all having such a good time that, before he realises, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the escalator starts on its upward journey.

The escalator goes all the way up to heaven, where St. Peter is waiting. "Now it's time for you to visit heaven." So the pollie joins a group of contented souls, moving from cloud to cloud playing the harp and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in hell and a day in heaven. Now choose for eternity."

The politician reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I never would have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I'd be better off in hell."

So, St. Peter escorts him to the escalator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open, and he finds he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and debris. He sees all of his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash, and putting it in bags. The Devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the pollie. "Yesterday there was a golf course and a club, we ate crayfish and caviar, drank champagne, danced, and had a great time. Now there's nothing but a wasteland full of detritus, and my friends look miserable. What happened??"

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted!"

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January 5, 2006

My To-Do List

• t lunchtime, sit in my parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
• Page myself over the intercom without disguising my voice.
• Insist that my e-mail address be Elvis-the-king@companyname.com.
• Every time someone asks me to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
• Encourage my colleagues to join me in a little synchronized chair dancing.
• Put my garbage can on my desk and label it 'IN.'
• Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
• Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
• In the memo field of all my checks, write "for sexual favours"
• Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
• Finish all my sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
• Adjust the tint on my computer monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that I like it that way.
• Don�t use any punctuation
• As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Ask people what sex they are.
• Specify that my drive through order is "to go."
• Sing along at the opera.
• Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
• Find out where my boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after my boss does. (This is especially effective since my boss is female.)
• Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what I'm doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
• Put mosquito netting around my cubicle.
• Five days in advance, tell my friends you can't attend their party because I'm not in the mood.
• Request that my dry cleaning be returned dry.
• When anyone talks about something being "out of whack," ask what a "whack" is.

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35 Years

hat a long strange trip it's been!

1971: Long hair
2006: Longing for hair

1971: The perfect high
2006: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1971: KEG
2006: EKG

1971: Acid rock
2006: Acid reflux

1971: Moving to California because it's cool
2006: Moving to California because it's warm

1971: Growing pot
2006: Growing pot belly

1971: Seeds and stems
2006: Roughage

1971: Popping pills, smoking joints
2006: Popping joints

1971: Killer weed
2006: Weed killer

1971: Hoping for a BMW
2006: Hoping for a BM

1971: The Grateful Dead
2006: Dr. Kevorkian

1971: Going to a new, hip joint
2006: Receiving a new hip joint

1971: Rolling Stones
2006: Kidney Stones

1971: Being called into the principal's office
2006: Calling the principal's office

1971: Screw the system
2006: Upgrade the system

1971: Disco
2006: Costco

1971: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2006: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1971: Taking acid
2006: Taking antacid

1971: Passing the drivers' test
2006: Passing the vision test

1971: Whatever
2006: Depends

1971: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2006: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

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January 4, 2006

The Truth About Ghandi

ahatma Ghandi spent 50 odd years wandering the rough roads of India barefoot. As he grew old, he became very frail. His eccentric habit of drinking his own urine daily gave him very bad breath. In fact, in some circles, he was known as the super calloused fragile mystic, vexed by halitosis. --------

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House, M.D.

octor House, I have a patient who needs your immediate attention.

No time, Cuddy. I have to get more Vicodin and carve me a new cane in time to watch my soap.

A lame excuse, House. Look, you take care of this patient and I'll take you off clinic for a week.

Oh joy! Cuddy doing me a favor. Who's the patient? A politican?

We don't know. He literally has his head up is ass.

That clinches it. A damned politician. Foreman, get the forceps. And a match for the methane. But first I have to take a 30-minute break.

Isn't that a bit extreme, House? The lack of oxygen will cause brain damage.

Foreman, don't make this into a black/white thing. This is a POLITICIAN. They breathe methane. The brain damage may start AFTER I light the match.

But...eh...ahem...

Catheter got your tongue, Foreman?

House, let's have dinner at your place.

I'm not your dead husband, Cameron, and I don't believe in pity sex!

Dammit, House! Are you trying to get this hospital shut down?

There are exceptions to the Pity Sex clause, of course.

Meanwhile, we do have a patient.

But we haven't done the standard chalkboard-analysis-with-heavy-helpings-of-witty-interpersonal-humiliation yet.

Goody! Do we get to break into the patient's house and strip-search the bedroom?

I've only had three Vicodin in the last hour...hmmm...I'm still hearing voices...One more should do it.

The patient is going into spasms!

Spastic colon attack with lumbar support! Quick, get me a shoehorn!

Amazing! It actually is a politician! How can House always be right?

Yeeeeeaaaahhh!

Hat Tip to WuzzaDem, the Master.

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Weirdest Celebrities of 2005

en Kallen writes up the list at Topix.Net.

10. Nicolas Cage. He and his wife named their newborn son Kal-el, the name Superman was given when he was born on the planet Krypton. As the boy is sure to find out on the schoolyard in eight years or so, that's weird.

9. Sylvester Stallone. At nearly 60, Stallone began positioning himself as the action hero for the Centrum Silver set. He announced that he's preparing to star in new sequels to his "Rocky" and "Rambo" movie franchises; appeared on the cover of Sly, a fitness magazine intended to help guys "stay in the game past 40"�; and marketed his own line of high-protein pudding.

8. George Clooney. Through no fault of his own, the star suffered what can only be called a weird injury: After gaining weight for his role in the film Syriana, then falling backward in a chair during the filming of a violent scene, he suffered a tear to the dura, which is sort of a wrapper around the spinal cord. Clooney's friends reportedly said that doctors only diagnosed the painful problem after spinal fluid began dripping out of his nose.

7. Ashlee Simpson. A few months after Jessica's faux-punk little sister caused a lip-syncing scandal when the wrong vocal tracks played behind her during an appearance on "Saturday Night Live," she performed at the Orange Bowl and was soundly booed. Later in the year she returned to the scene of the crime, performing on "SNL" again in an attempt to prove once and for all that she can sing without the help of electronic vocals. As it turned out, she can... just not very well.

6. Fergie. It was strange enough when the attractive Black Eyed Peas singer was photographed during a San Diego concert with an unexplained wet spot on a particular area of her pants. Then Scotland's Daily Record had this to say about a recent show in Australia: "The singer wet herself on stage -- and was forced to drench herself in champagne to disguise the evidence." If you combine Fergie's troubles with Ashlee's, the idea of becoming a rock star is starting to seem less like a dream and more like the stuff of everyone's weird nightmares.

5. Christian Slater. Early in the year, the Jack Nicholson sound-alike actor was accused of sexual harassment on Manhattan's Upper East Side when a woman claimed he grabbed her behind. Later on, a gossip column reported that Slater had been kicked out of a London strip club because he wouldn't take off his Richard Nixon mask. And later still, he reportedly fell off a roof while attending a party given by Paris Hilton in West Hollywood, California. That's a little weirdness everywhere.

The rest are obvious and you can go to the link above to check out the descriptions.

4. Martha Stewart.

3. Russell Crowe.

2. Michael Jackson.

1. Tom Cruise.

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Risky Business

n IT company in Leipzig, Germany, initiated a strict no-whining policy that required employees to sign a contract that stipulated two moans and you�re out of a job. The policy was prompted, according to an article on the German Embassy�s web site, �by a particularly cantankerous co-worker.�

DaimlerChrysler�s transmission plants in Kokomo, Ind., designated 80 percent of their employee parking for Chrysler vehicles only, according to an Associated Press (AP) report. Effective May 9, 2005, any non-Chrysler vehicle parked in a reserved area was to be towed 50 miles away to Indianapolis; employees faced a $200 bill to retrieve a vehicle. The policy did not extend to vehicles with license plates for disabled persons, the report noted.

In October, a Michigan woman was fired from her part-time job as a receptionist after she failed to report for work the day after she took unpaid leave to see off her husband, a National Guard member who was being sent to Fort Dix, N.J., for training and then deployment to Iraq.

An Indiana woman claimed she was suspended for spending too much time trying to rescue a squirrel trapped in the ceiling of the library where she worked, according to a Dec. 2 AP report. The story quoted the library�s executive director as noting that �I�m not running a squirrel condominium here.�

An executive was accused of embezzling more than $210,000 from the heart disease foundation he worked for and using some of the money to fly in a dominatrix for his use.

The National Labor Relations Board upheld a San Francisco-based security company�s rule prohibiting employees from getting together outside of work. The controversial policy forbids workers from going to lunch together, attending co-workers� weddings or doing anything else together outside of their employment.

Thirty Muslim workers with a temporary labor agency walked off their jobs at a Nashville, Tenn., plant in February after their request for time off to pray at sunset was rejected.
A Racine, Wis., man was fired in February from his job as a forklift operator for that area�s distributor of Miller Brewing Co. products. No reason was given for his dismissal, but it occurred the same day a local paper published a photograph of him drinking a competitor�s beer�a Bud Light.

Two Spanish-speaking hairstylists in Chicago claimed in a federal lawsuit that their company strictly banned the use of Spanish, even during employee breaks. A sign at the salon read, �Speaking a language other than English is not only disrespectful, it�s also prohibited,� according to Challenger, Gray & Christmas.

HR News suggests another news item for the list�Chinese companies deliberately passing over job candidates born during the Year of the Dog because Chinese tradition holds 2006 will be a year of bad luck for people born under that sign.

CEOs� weirdest moments

Boeing CEO Harry Stonecipher had a short-lived tenure when the company brought him out of retirement to help its scandal-ridden image. Stonecipher was grounded in March after failing to follow the company�s ethics guidelines after he had an extramarital affair with a Boeing executive.

American Apparel CEO Dov Charney in May was named in two sexual harassment suits for allegedly conducting job interviews in his underwear and for giving employees vibrators.

A former CEO under criminal and securities investigations at publisher Hollinger Inc. was caught on tape in May taking cartons of files from the firm�s Toronto headquarters in violation of a court order. He later returned the dozen cartons, which he claimed contained personal items, Reuters reported.

Formula One chief Bernie Ecclestone made a bizarre comment to reporters about race car driver Danica Patrick�s fourth place finish at the Indy 500, the best finish by a female in the race�s 89-year history. Ecclestone called Patrick �super� and suggested that �women should all be dressed in white like all other domestic appliances,� a comment he later repeated to her on the phone.

Robert McCormick�s $241,000 American Express tab on a Savvis Inc. corporate card for one night at a topless club in Manhattan came to light after American Express filed suit in October for lack of payment; McCormick disputed most of the charges.

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What Is It with You Women?

he wife is starting to show signs of carrying the world on her head again. Not good. I know you're all good at carrying groceries and jugs of water on your head, but Keeeriste!

She hired a writer who is not doing the job and instead of telling the guy he's got 24 hours to show he can write a professional website or get fired, she wants to do his work for him and help him along, even though he's charging her $1000 a day.

What is it with you women, perfectionism, and the need to save everybody from themselves? Can't be healthy.

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January 3, 2006

Last Photo I Ever Took Contest

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Giving It All Up

o. Another year's gone by. And another year without:

• Illegal drugs (pot, LSD, etc)
• Alcohol
• Cigarettes

And now I've given up caffeine.

Next on the list? Probably sugar.

Hey, but don't worry--I still masturbate!

If you want to submit yourself to my fantasy, drop me a comment!

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What I Got for Christmas?

xcuse me. I mean, What did I get for the non-denominational-holiday-that-has-nothing-to-do-with-any-religious-tradition-because-of-a-bunch-of-whiney-I-can't-live-my-life-without-telling-others-how-to-live-theirs-do-badders?

A genu-wine AKUBRA hat!

I got the Territory. (Scroll down)

Great in the rain and sun, looks good on me. Maybe I'll get the wife to take a pic.

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Michelle Malkin is a Babewit

heck out this post on her blog, which rightly deserves to be ranked as one of the top blogs around:

Allow me to sum up the homeland security strategy of America's do-nothing brigade, led by the armchair generals at The New York Times and ACLU headquarters:

First, bar law enforcement at all levels from taking race, ethnicity, national origin and religion into account when assessing radical Islamic terror threats. (But continue to allow the use of those factors to ensure "diversity" in public-college admissions, contracting, and police- and fire-department hiring.)

Second, institute the "Eenie-meenie-miny-moe" random-search program at all subways, railways and bus stations.

Third, open the borders, sabotage all immigration enforcement efforts and scream "Racist" at any law-abiding American who protests.

Fourth, sue. Sue. Sue.

Fifth, yell "Connect the dots!" while rebuilding and strengthening the walls that prevent information-sharing between the CIA, State Department, Justice Department, the Department of Homeland Security and other key government agencies.

Sixth, hang the white flag and declare victory.

Seventh, sit back and wait to blame the president for failing to take aggressive, preventative measures when the next terrorist attack hits.

Repeat.

It goes on from there. It's nice to have someone who can say it like it is. I wonder at what point the actions of the writers and editors at The New York Times, those actions revealing classified information about how we are combatting those making war on us, actually crosses over into treason?
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One Year Anniversary

his blog is now 1 year and 3 days old.

Guess I walk among the carcasses of the dead bloggers who couldn't make it past a few months.

Now if only I can get passed this jet-lag...

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