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June 1, 2005
Steven Wright
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friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." - A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
- All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
- Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'.
- Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
- Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
- Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
- Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
- He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.
- How young can you die of old age?
- I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
- I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
- I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
- I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
- I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
- I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
- I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
- I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
- I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
- I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
- I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
- I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
- I have an existential map. It has You are here written all over it.
- I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
- I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
- I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- I invented the cordless extension cord.
- I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
- I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
- I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
- I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
- I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
- I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
- I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
- I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
- I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
- I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
- I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
- I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
- I was born by Caesarean section, but you can't really tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.
- I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars."
- I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
- I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
- I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
- I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
- I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
- I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
- I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
- I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
- I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
- I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
- I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
- I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes.
- I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
- I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
- I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
- If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
- If God dropped acid, would he see people?
- If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
- If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
- If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
- If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
- If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
- If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
- If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
- If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
- In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
- Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
- It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
- It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
- Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
- Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"
- Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
- My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
- My friend invented Cliff's Notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well, first I... I just... well, to make a long story short..."
- My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
- My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
- My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
- My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
- One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
- Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears.
- I think George is weird, because he has false teeth with braces on them.
- Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
- The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
- The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
- The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
- The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
- There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
- Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
- What's another word for Thesaurus?
- When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
- When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
- When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
- When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
- When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
- When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
- Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
- You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
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Posted by witnit at June 1, 2005 12:00 PM
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