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June 20, 2005

Dave Barry

MINUS 1 DAY

• A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is.
• Admit it, sport-utility-vehicle owners! It's shaped a little differently, but it's a station wagon! And you do not drive it across rivers! You drive it across the Wal-Mart parking lot!
• American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.
• American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
• And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.
• Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.
• As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
• Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
• Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog - to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.
• Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
• Bill Gates is a very rich man today .. and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
• Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
• Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
• Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT."
• Congress shall also create a tax code weighing more than the combined poundage of the largest member of the House and the largest member of the Senate, plus a standard musk ox.
• Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tentative agreements.
• DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.
• Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.
• Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
• 'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
• Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.
• Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
• Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
• I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
• I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules, including:* Both of your socks should always be the same color,* Or they should at least both be fairly dark.
• I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.
• I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.
• I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.
• I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
• I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I distinctly recall believing that virtually all adults were clueless goobers.
• I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
• If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
• If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows.
• In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West--the Grand Canyon, the Badlands, the Goodlands, the Mediocrelands, the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford--were caused by erosion.
• It is a good idea to "shop around" before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all, you're paying for it.
• It is a well-known fact that although the public is fine when taken individually, when it forms itself into large groups, it tends to act as though it has one partially consumed Pez tablet for a brain.
• It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
• Karate is a form of marital arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
• Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
• Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.
• My son does not appreciate classical musicians such as the Stones; he is more into bands with names like "Heave" and "Squatting Turnips."
• My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M and M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
• Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
• Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
• People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
• Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
• Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
• Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
• The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
• The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other.
• The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
• The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
• The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.
• The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
• The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
• To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
• To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.
• Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
• We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
• We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.
• We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
• What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
• What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
• Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
• Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

Posted by witnit at June 20, 2005 6:11 AM

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