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June 21, 2005
A Little P.J. O'Rourke For Your Reading Pleasure
'm a big fan of Peej. Fortunately, so is Mark. One of my favorite books is Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book For Rude People, and here's an excerpt for you, my devoted Cake Eater WitNit readers.
One way to say nothing while impresssing people who aren't listening is to speak Fake French. Fake French lends you all the cachet of speaking French without the tedious memorization or stupid Berlitz records lying around the house. Besides, no one learns real French anymore because americans already have a language they can't understand and don't speak well---English.
Use "le" or "la" in place of "the," "a," and "an" to make anything you say sound sophisticated.
Examples:
"Pass le coleslaw."
"Open la door."
All English prepositions can be replaced with the French prepositions "a" and "de" which mean "at," "of," "with," "on," and anything else you want them to mean because we're not really trying to speak French, so who cares?
Example:
"I'll have le cheeseburger a la french fries."
Throw in "chez," "sur," "dans," and "voila," too if you feel like it.
Example:
"I'll have sur le cheesburger chez dans a la french fries voila."
"I" is "je" when it's the subject of the sentence and "moi" when you're being silly. "You" is "Vous." "We" is "nous."
Example:
"Moi loves vous."---Fake french in its ultimate form.
Use as many as you can recall from high school French, whether you remember the correct translation or not.
Examples:
"Soir of the living dead."
"Drinks on the maison!"
"No use crying over spilt au lait."
All French adjectives and adverbs mean "lots of," e.g. "tres" "plus" "beaucoup," et cetera. Use them everywhere.
Example:
"Ive tres de had too much plus to drink beaucoup."
There's only one French verb of any note, "faire," meaning "make," "do," "be," "become," "create," and so on and so forth. The construction "faire de ________" turns any English word into a French verb.
Examples:
"Je faire de whoopee."
"Vous faire de hell out of here."
Any English word can also be turned into a French verb by adding "-ez vous" to the end of it.
Examples:
"Je buyez vous le drink?"
"Mais non?"
"Screwez vous, too."
"No" is said in French by forming the construction "Ne {verb} pas."
Example:
"Ne run vous hand up moi jamb pas or je smackez vous plus dans le mouth beaucoup."
(Note: garbled word order to aid in "foreign sound.")
To give the impression of a really thoroughgoing fluency, translate all your favorite English phrases into literal French with a pocket dictionary.
Examples:
"frapper la rue"
"droit sur"
"donnez moi une fracture"
"hors de vue"
"Qu'est-ce que votre signe?"
"Pas merde"
Below is the translation of an answering maching message from Babs Muddleprep, a sophomore at Bennington, to her older sister, Puffy, in Santa Barbara. The first version is given in English. The second version is in Fake French. Notice how much more, well, je ne sais quoi the second version is:
Message from Babs to Puffy, translated into English:"I had a long talk with mother last night. There's good news and bad news. She's not drinking as much lately, but she's still really cheesed about the mess we left in her apartment. Did I tell you about the dress at Bendel's? It's so cool. But I couldn't afford it it at all so I charged it to Mummy. Now she'll be pissed to the max. Have to hit the books tomorrow---French final is tomorrow and must do well because the professor is to die for. Also, I flunked the midterm. Love you bunches. See you in Sun Valley."
Message from Babs to Puffy in its original Fake French:
"Je faire le beaucoup chatez avec la Mather last soir. There est le news bien and le news mal. She's ne drinking pas as beaucoup lately mais still plus de fromaged about le mess we left dans le apartment hers. Did I tellez vous about le chemise je trouvez at le Bendel's? C'est tres froid. Mais je ne affordez pas it at all so je chargez a Mama. Now she'll be pissoired a la maximum. Have to frapper les libres now---examination terminal de la francais is demain and must faire bon because le professo est to mort sur. Aussi, je flunked le termmidi. Je t'aime beaucoup. See vous dan le Valle du Soleil."
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Posted by witnit at June 21, 2005 8:09 PM
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