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May 8, 2005
Rites of Passage
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9. How the Mind Works
I didn't realize it until I was well into my 20s that I grew up without a father. Oh, I had one physically present, but I think the one event that emblemizes his relationship with the rest of our family occurred when I was in 13 years old in Redding, California. The snow was thick on the ground, the sky was dark, and at one point the power went out. My parents and my brother and I were sitting in the living room with a couple of candles burning, and after a couple of hours of silence, my father burst out, "It's hell around here without a television."
To say that he was not engaged with our lives is to overstate his involvement. We moved so many times in my life I cannot remember all the places we lived. Yet no matter how many times we moved, he had to still live with himself. He never quite figured that out.
Despite not being raised by one, I still managed to become a man. Especially once I married.
Marriage
Marriage is a fascinating rite of passage. Think about it. Before marriage two people walk around thinking of themselves as single, being single, acting single. Then they go before a powerful authority who declares, "Now you are married" and prang! They go forth and act like it. They think of themselves as married, being married, acting married.
What really changes? Nothing but the picture people have of themselves. The picture changes. Nothing else happens.
Sometimes people go through profound personality changes when they marry. A whole new picture immediately takes hold, because they "know" that this is how a "married person" is supposed to act. Men who seemed sweet and reasonable and shared household burdens suddenly demand that their new "wife" do all the cooking and cleaning and laundry. Women suddenly expect their "husbands" to take on natural roles as handyman and protector.
Sometimes the change is more drastic and even violent.
What accounts for this change? In this series of posts, I've talked about how powerful our picture of the truth can affect our perception of reality and the "truth." How the Reticular Activating System works in setting and maintaining the picture of ourselves that we hold. How the Pygmalion Effect works to give other people pictures of themselves, especially by people perceived as authorities.
And a priest or public official is seen as a powerful authority to two people getting married. So powerful in fact that with a single declarative sentence, that authority can powerfully transform the deep-seated image that two people have of themselves, to the point of an immediate personality change.
Think about that.
This is the primary function of Rites of Passage. To initiate the activation of a new picture a person holds of themselves. Before the rite of passage you are one kind of person. After the rite of passage you are another.
The Wizard of Oz
This is one of the main points in the movie The Wizard of Oz. Think about it. You have a girl with three characters, a scarecrow who wants a brain, a lion who wants courage, and a tin man who wants a heart. What do they do?
They decide to go see the Wizard. Why? Because he is a powerful authority. He has the touch. He can give them what they need. He is magical.
So they go to the Wizard and quickly discover that he is just a man behind a curtain. But wait. It turns out that the ordinary man is more powerful than he appears. He is a real wizard. How does he do it?
The tin man wants a heart. The wizard tells him that everyone who has a heart can hear it tick. So he gives him a clock to wear over where his heart would be and tells him to go forth and act like he has a heart. And he does. Now the tin man can hear his "heart." He acts like he has one.
The lion wants courage. The wizard tells him that everyone who has courage has a medal. So he gives the lion a medal that affirms he has courage and the wizard tells him to go forth and act like he has courage. And he does.
This is one reason why medals and other rites of passage are important in the military. Few people can go into a battle zone and carry the picture of their own capability. They must go through several initiatory rites of passage so that they adopt that picture so that they can be brave and capable and honorable under fire.
Finally, the wizard comes to the scarecrow who wants a brain. And what does the wizard give him?
A diploma.
(Think about that those of you who about to graduate.)
The wizard gives the scarecrow a diploma, tells him to go forth and act like he has brains and he does. Think about it. Someone wants to be a surgeon. They do not picture themselves as a surgeon although they study very hard. They go to a graduation ceremony and before the ceremony they cannot cut into a person. They accept a diploma, they are told that now they are a surgeon, go forth and act like it, and now they can cut into someone. What has really changed? Just the picture they have of themselves.
Why do people voluntarily strap on explosives and blow up themselves along with unsuspecting innocent people? Because somewhere along the way some powerful authority gave them a picture of themselves of the kind of person who would go forth and act that way. This is not a picture that comes around naturally.
Positive and Negative Wizards
You see, the Wizard of Oz was a positive wizard. He gave people heart, courage, and brains. But the world is also full of negative wizards. People who steal a little bit of heart and courage and brains from others.
Who are the positive and negative wizards in your life? Did you have a teacher who told you that you were not very good in math, thus stealing a little of your brains? Did you have someone call you a coward and steal some of your courage? Did you have a lover who called you cold and unfeeling, and steal a little bit of your heart?
What pictures did other people give to you that you bought into, simply because you perceived them as authorities?
But it goes further than that, doesn't it? When were you unknowlingly a negative wizard? When did you, out of anger or sarcasm or embarassment, take a little bit of heart, courage, and brains from someone who perceived you as an authority?
How many times has your own mind told you negative things about yourself? How long have you been a negative wizard to yourself?
If you are a parent, what kind of wizard are you to your children? Do you consciously give them rites of passage? Do you give them an image of the responsibilities and new opportunities available to a 12-year-old when they are 11? Do you use birthdays as initiatory rites of passage into greater and greater pictures of themselves as they grow?
If you are a father, do you make sure your son goes through a rite of passage that now shifts him into the picture of being a man? Has it ever occurred to you that the reason that there are so many boys in men's bodies is because these boys never went through a rite of passage to change their picture?
My father was a negative wizard. Not out of trying, but because he was unhappy with himself, and so he took it out on others around him. Once I discovered that, I spent time going through all the negative things he said about me and I systematically over time changed all those pictures in me, letting them go, transforming them to positive pictures through contemplative techniques.
Now is the time. The time for you to go through a rite of passage. Now is the time for you to become a Positive Wizard. And I am absolutely serious about this.
Ready? Okay.
By the authority granted to me...by me... a powerful, Positive Wizard, I now declare that you are an associate Positive Wizard, who helps others grow into better persons, who now gives heart, courage, and brains to everyone you meet.
Go forth, and act like it!
Next comes 1. Creating Your Life.
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Posted by witnit at May 8, 2005 7:05 AM
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