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April 18, 2005
Candy Bar Countries
n idle mind can be a terrible, destructive, evil thing. I took off work today to go to the dentist to get a couple of crowns, but the $150,000 machine that makes them in 10 minutes (from 3-D computer modeling of the tooth, saving all that temporary crown/come back in two weeks crap) broke down and I'm rescheduled for Thursday.
So I come home and it's too late to catch a matinee movie (and besides I already saw Sin City, which makes Pulp Fiction look like a Disney film) and I feel a bit draggy and tired and disinclined to do any serious blogging, and nothing in the news is that interesting to me. And I think that I'm draggy and tired because I ate a bunch of chocolate three days ago, and that seems to be the pattern, eat chocolate and three days later feel punk.
So my idle, terrible, destructive, evil mind goes from chocolate to politics to punkness and I begin thinking, How are countries like candy bars?
Where the hell does a thought like that come from? But I pursue it and pretty soon I have a list that's stupid and cynical and U.S.-centric and politiacally discorrect.
Anyway, here's a list of my Candy Bar Countries. Your sugar rush may vary.
- North Korea: Nutrageous. Definitely one of the nuttiest countries on the planet. And outrageous. Here's hoping they get eaten before they go nuclear.
- Iraq: Rocky Road. One of the easiest ones, really. So far, it's going better than I thought it would, but none can deny that the road ahead is rocky.
- France: Butterfinger. I was tempted with Snickers, since the French are so good at that turned-up-nose, Mais non, monsieur, crappines. But Butterfinger wins out, because the French have set themselves up as the proctologists of the world.
- Mexico: Hershey's. I was tempted to go Uno but that's obvious and trite. Why Hershey's? Because you can't eat a Hershey's bar without it melting all over your hands. It doesn't respect borders. Yet you can't help but eat it and lick the melted chocolate dripping on your fingers.
- Japan: Baby Ruth. Who can deny that they love baseball more than Americans?
- Canada: Zero Bar. Cold. And on a scale of 1 to 10 in general political relevance. . .
- Sweden: Abba Zabba. Think about it.
- China: Skor. They're eating up the world's oil, steel, and trade deficits. They're building at an astonishing rate, given all the money and construction pouring in. They steal whatever they can get in terms of intellectual property. Yeah, I'd say China is scoring big time.
- Russia: Big Hunk. Smaller than it used to be, but still the biggest hunk around. Every time you try to chew it, it sticks to your teeth.
- Saudi Arabia: Mounds. Sand dunes, and piles of jihadists.
- Australia: Krackel. What a country! One of the great supporters of Americans. Energy, adventure, and down-to-earth goodness.
- Bosnia Herzogovina: Watchamacallit. It'll change again as soon as our troops leave.
- Libya/Pakistan/Egypt/Turkey: Zagnut. We're against you, we're with you, we're against you, we're with you...Make up your friggin' minds.
- England: Oh Henry! Who would have thought that Tony Blair would stand by us to the extent that he has? We bow to England.
- Italy: 100 Grand. That's how many lira it used to take to buy a candy bar.
- India: Snickers. Nyea, nyea, we're getting all of the outsourcing, and we're gonna own all of the infrastructure, back-end jobs for all first-world countries.
- United States: Pay Day. Yeah, we have our share of nuts, but it's so good once you get through them to the chewy center. And the nuts actually add the right mix of flavors.
- Germany: White Chocolate. I'm bad. I'm so baaaad.
*** We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault. Ashleigh Brilliant
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Posted by witnit at April 18, 2005 6:40 PM
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