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April 30, 2005

WitNit Newswire

01/01/05: 0000
04/19/05: 5000
06/13/05: 10,000
07/30/05: 15,000
09/13/05: 20,000
11/15/05: 25,000
12/16/05: 30,000
02/03/06: 35,000
03/22/06: 40,000
05/12/06: 45,000


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Posted by witnit at 11:00 PM

25-Word Challenge Is On

ash at The Boiling Point is hosting this weekend. An old codger, memories of a femme fatale, an auto-load shotgun. It's happening! Check it out!

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April 29, 2005

The Gunslinger: Chapter Two

oogie has posted Chapter Two! If you missed it, go read Dax's Chapter One. Next week it will be yours truly who's forced to deliver the goods in Chapter 3. I don't think I'll be sleeping much:

Chapter 3 - May 6 - WitNit
Chapter 4 - May 13 - Kelley
Chapter 5 - May 20 - Eric

Chapter 6 - May 27 - Pammy
Chapter 7 - June 3 - VelociGod


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Posted by witnit at 9:56 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Not the Best Man

ometimes, you'd think a guy would bring up his issue before the wedding:

A honeymooning couple was to return Wednesday night to find their home had been set on fire while they were away, and that police arrested the best man at their wedding and charged him with setting the blaze.
***Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. Katherine Hepburn

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Posted by witnit at 2:10 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

It Must Be A Guy Thing

y name is Mark Alexander, and I've blown up things. Reading Acidman's confession that he blew up things as a 12-year-old, reminded me of things I did in 6th grade as well. There's something about that age, I guess.

I was born in Nebraska and raised in Kansas until I was 11 years old. We had real fireworks in those days. Remember helicopters? A rubber band tying a single propeller to a cylinder full of explosives that you would light next to a flat cornfield and watch ignite and spin faster than a clothes washer on spin cycle and then SHOOT straight up into the sky and out of sight within a split second?

Remember the real Roman candles that came in rainbow-colored 8-ball shots and 10-ball shots?

We'd divide up into teams with several of the 10-ball shot Roman candles in our overalls, stake out our kingdoms at the ends of a large dirt-clod field ringed by a few mulberry trees, and about 30 minutes after sunset on a warm June night, we'd take up our defensive positions using as our shields steel garbage can lids with the handle welded to the center, then in a coordinated attack begin lighting Roman candles that would SPIT a 3-inch ball of colored fire every 3 or 4 seconds about 100 feet, slow enough to give the enemy plenty of time to deflect the shot as they returned fire and we'd deflect theirs. Our eyes would light up with the colorful splatters of fire. Nobody ever got hurt. Of course you learn fast to hold the candle out so that the rear of the cylinder does not spit back at you.

One summer night my dad was an actor in community theater in The Rainmaker when some kids drove by and tossed a Cherry Bomb over the fence of the theater and it landed on the bench right between my dad's legs and someone yelled just in time so that he stood up when it blew, causing 1st and 2nd degree burns on his inner thighs and butt.

When we moved to California in the summer of 1966, the third 6th-grade school I went to was in Salinas, home of John Steinbeck. I met a rich kid whose father was a doctor. Neither of his parents seemed ever to be home after school, but his dad would allow this 12-year-old to play with Potassium Chlorate. Hell, doctor dad wrote the prescription to acquire it for him.

In those days you could look in the back of Popular Science and Popular Mechanics and see ads for 75 feet of Cherry Bomb fuse for $1. And ads for barrel bomb components minus the gunpowder. Well hell, we had Potassium Chlorate. Anyone could pick up the Sulfur and Charcoal to finish the mix, and we did.

We made barrel bombs by filling the little grey tube with powder, gluing the end caps with Elmer's Glue, sticking in Cherry Bomb fuse right in the middle of the barrel, and burying the little bombs in the back yard. KABLOOIEEE!!!

We found little miniature liquor bottles from his parents European trips and filled them and KABLOOIEEED those as well.

When we ran out of Potassium Chlorate, we would still have yards of Cherry Bomb fuse, so we would play Mission Impossible and light the sucker, after winding it through his sister's dolls and trains and balsa wood airplanes. That gave us the idea to blow up more fun stuff, because hell, his daddy could rewite the prescription.

Ahhh, the days before every damn social reformer campaigned to protect us from ourselves.


*** Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing though satisfaction. Ashleigh Brilliant


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April 28, 2005

Flash Me! Flash Me! Flash Me!

hanks to The Cheesemistress for opening the door to all of this. (And there's more for supper at Basil's Blog.) Get ready to spend the weekend playing a few Flash movies. This is a huge collection, and there's lots of fun here. Take your time and enjoy. If you don't see something you're looking for, try DrNO's Fun Site. I've only included a portion.

Some are funny, some are sleazy, some are gross, but I've only included those that seemed to offer some fun or creative value. Ya gotta realize there's lots of lonely computer guys out there with no other creative outlet.

Warning! Not all are work safe!

Under 500kb.

500kb to 2MB

Over 2 MB

Bruno Bozzetto Films

Shockers

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Posted by witnit at 9:24 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

April 27, 2005

Giving Blondes a Bad Name

like some of the movies that Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz have made. They make me laugh. But my Gawd has there ever been a pair who better confirm the stereotype of stupido-liberal Hollywood starlets?

Check out this story courtesy of Gil at A Reasonable Man.

Actress Drew Barrymore, who reportedly earns $15 million a film, told MTV viewers in one episode that after spending time in a primitive, electricity-free Chilean village, "I aspire to be like them more."

Barrymore, apparently enthralled by the lack of a modern sanitary facilities, gleefully bragged, "I took a poo in the woods hunched over like an animal. It was awesome."

The 32-year-old Diaz, who earns a reported $20-million a movie, boasted that the cow-dung slathered walls of a Nepalese village hut were "beautiful" and "inspiring," and she called the primitive practice of "pounding mud" with sticks to construct a building foundation "the coolest thing."

And don't give me guff that the news site is presenting biased reporting. I've heard both of them interviewed about politics and this is clearly representative of their cluelessness.

*** Gather round like sheep and ye shall be herd.


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Posted by witnit at 2:53 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Lazarus Emerges from the Tomb!

incon, Georgia (WitNit Newswire) -- Rob "Acidman" @#$%&* of Gut Rumbles committed resurrection today, admitting that "Okay, I am over my temper tantrum now and I'm going to blog again."

Awe-inspired cliquesh cheerleaders rushed to his feet, breathlessly awaiting his humbling words and rants.

"He's back, he's back, oh my Gaaaawwwwd, he's back," cried CalTechGirl.

"All right. Now do we get the Carnival of the Crappers?" shouted Velociman.

"Shoulda used a club instead of a pin," mumbled Silk.

Here is an unretouched photo of Acidman immediately after his resurrection:



This reporter is relieved.

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April 26, 2005

Hearts, Brains, and Guts

ho would've guessed? You know, I like to make people laugh. I try to find the humor within the pain. And I suppose that despite appearances, I do wear my heart on my sleave. And I'm not the only one.
Your Brain is 46.67% Female, 53.33% Male
Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female

You are both sensitive and savvy

Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed

But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve



What Gender Is Your Brain?

[Via Dash who stole it from Kathy who nabbed it from Sheila.]

Blogs mislead us into thinking we're talking from behind a wall. So we can let down walls and tell everyone in here things we don't tell our friends and family out there.

And we think others are talking from behind their walls, so it's just fine to throw out all the monkey shit we want. We talk tough and cynically and sarcastic because those are ways to ignore the fact that as writers we can't help but wear our hearts on our sleaves.

We're all to some extent Hemingways, in one way or another battling the melancholy that we rarely like to admit is constantly pressing inside. Wondering where our home really is. Thinking we might find a room of it here.

Ruth (Freudian Slippers) slipped out on us. Rob (Acidman) found the straw that broke his camel's back.

I can't say I know what my point is. All I know for sure is that a lot of what I think is funny is often an excuse to keep from feeling pain.


Update: Ruth's back. New place. Can't afford to lose precious BabeWits!
Update: Acidman's back. Same place. "Need adoration. Will write."


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April 25, 2005

Acidman Commits Blog Suicide

incon, Georgia (WitNit Newswire) -- Rob "Acidman" @#$%&* of Gut Rumbles committed blog suicide today, according to Georgia State Trooper Roger Humpen.

"It was terrible," said Humpen. "When we arrived, we found a woman who will remain nameless who apparently thought that Rob was Pinocchio, because we found her sitting on his face yellin' 'Lie, you bastard, lie!'"

The state medical examiner revealed that the cause of death appears to have been self-inflicted snappin' pussy.

"I really don't know how to explain this," said Chief Medical Examiner Nick Rofilya. "It's the first time I've ever seen such a thing. In case it was murder, we have four suspects, not to mention his his ex-wife, the prime suspect."

A suicide note was found at the scene by this reporter, and is reprinted below:


Wimmen Did It

Real men once adored me and my blog
I'd swear and spit like a hog on a log
But now all these wimmen
Got our heads a' swimmen
So fuck it, I quit, I'm nobody's dog.

Blog acquaintances were on the scene and offered their comments.

"He seemed so like a non-misogynist only a couple of weeks ago," said Sadie. "I wanted him to be my Daryl. Now what will I do?"

"Oh, the poor darling," said Christina. "I bet all he needed was a hug."


Silk was seen poking him with a pin and mumbling, "Are you sure he's dead?" while Kathy commented, "About time he whupped his own ass!"

Finally a bunch of men strolled in led by Dax who carried a kegger and yelled out, "Just damn! Get these wimmen outa here. We gonna tie one on for ol' Acidman and send him off with appropriate mass drunken stupor."

Funeral services have yet to be announced in the event of resurrection.


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Posted by witnit at 6:38 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Revenge of the Meme

o apparently life is like a boomerang. You throw out something, it comes right back at you, smacking you in the teeth. Karma. It never forgets.

Apparently there is a blogger called TeeFiz who recently decided to murder all memes with the ultimate toxin of a meme, what he calls Turd in a Punchbowl. Update: It seems TeeFiz is merely an accomplice to murder. The real culprit is Elisson.

Now, I always tried to create a positive, interesting, entertaining meme. And I thought I was getting on the good side of the Divas, especially Silk, who willfully, maliciously, and actionably tagged me with this meme.

(And exactly how many of these BabeWits are lawyers, past, present, and future? Or is it my you-need-help-bubba-only-$400-per-hour personality?)

Okay. I take the pledge. I will destroy my genetics lab. No more meme creation! Trust me. I'm a man.


So, here are the rules:

Simply compose a four-line poem and post it on your blog. The first and third verses of the poem should read “Turd in a punchbowl.” Verses two and four may be about any subject (including turds!) but they must rhyme with each other.

Here's my poem:

Turd in a punchbowl
I'm down on my knees
Turd in a punchbowl
Forgive my memes, please

In the spirit of this poem, I tag three bloggers telepathically. Please let me know if you get the message.

*** I would like to add my own thoughts to the ongoing debate about Telepathy...


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April 24, 2005

Classic Blog Post Meme

his is a bit of a selfish meme, simply because I'd like a shortcut to all that I've missed over the last few years and want some way to catch up.

This meme is also unique in that you send it to only one person who you know will continue it within the next 24 hours. That way, anyone who comes upon it can track forward easily. (If the tagged blogger fails to come up with a post within 24 hours, then a new tag is required.)

The question is simple: Name two classic blog posts that deserve to be read and remembered. My preference is humor, but don't let that limit you.

Copy the list below, add your two on top with brief descriptions, and tag the next person. That way we build a classics list (and I can get the wheat after others remove the chaff).

Here are my two:


24: Terrorism and Torture - A classic parody for fans of the series 24 at Wuzzadem.
Your blog and its privacy policy - Hope at Humor Hangout gives sage advice to bloggers.

I tag: Sadie at Fistful of Fortnights. Cause she's loves memes and hasn't had enough lately. (Memes, that is.)

UPDATE: Everyone seems to be reading past the part where they add to the list, so I will keep it up here. Heck, I want to read all of them anyway.

12) Back when Kim was much more unknown than he is now...back when he wasnt the subject of quite so much love and adulation from the teeming minions, just over a year ago, he wrote a post about his mother-in-law called Outlaw Territory. [Mr. Helpful]

11) If you want to know heartbreak./If you want to know a soul stripped bare in agony./If you want to know tortured pain./Then go and read this....My words simply cannot do it justice. [Mr. Helpful]
10) First up is my friend Sluggo?s post entitled, ?Calling Max Bialystock,? ... This well-crafted post manages to tell what is ultimately a sad story in a most amusing way. [Jim]

9) Next is a post by my Cousin Jack of Jack Bog?s Blog, entitled, ?We Interrupt this Program,? in which Jack shares he remembrances of November 22, 1963 as a sixth grader... [Jim]
8) thoughts on Charleston... again, this is a theme I love.. taking a place and time, and realizing the importance of it... reminisces... introspection... connecting your Self with your history... [Eric]
7) the Tale of Simone Griffeth... if there is one theme I can sink my teeth into, it is unrequited love... it is truly universal... [Eric]

6) This one at Random Fate struck me last summer because of the depth of his love and respect for someone. [Christina]
5) Eric wrote this post a while ago and it still speaks to me on many levels. [Christina]
4) Straight White Guy - From a Dream: A captivating fictional short story, or as Eric describes it, "....a noir tale of loss.... oh, and sex..." [Sadie]

3) Cake Eater Chronicles - Knickers. Twisted. Kathy discusses the status of Origin Of Species as theory and the resulting manipulation by creationists: "This is their silver bullet that cuts right through the bullshit. And, to my mind, it's a logical fallacy that has no end." [Sadie]
2) 24: Terrorism and Torture - A classic parody for fans of the series 24 at Wuzzadem. [Mark]
1) Your blog and its privacy policy - Hope at Humor Hangout gives sage advice to bloggers. [Mark]

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Posted by witnit at 1:15 PM

Ouch! What the...? MEME???

t was supposed to be a relaxing Sunday. Sleep in, pet my cat (Danger Kitty, although duct tape has taken care of that problem), see a matinee flick, scratch where I want to...

But no. No, no, no, no, no...Feisty Christina has tagged me (slammed me really) with some kind of godawful blog virus meme. As if I would ever do such a thing to her.

Oh well, here goes:

If I could be a chef, I would prepare the most heavenly French meals that inspire a spiritual state of rapture (and try to avoid the conundrum inside a riddle wrapped in an enigma of how the French could be such unmitigated assholes in everything else and yet still prepare the most other-worldly food I have ever eaten.)


If I could be a linguist, I would lay out a loaded shotgun, some sleeping pills, a noose, and play eenie, meenie, miney, mo.

If I could be a llama-rider, I would only ride Fernando's llamas.

If I could be a midget stripper, I would line up some of my favorite midgets, put on some Barry White, get some acetone and...

If I could be a proctologist, I would acquire a cage full of gerbils and schedule appointments with some of the biggest assholes on the planet: Bill Clinton, Kim Jong Il, Woody Harrelson, Michael Savage, Rosie O'Donnell, and many more.

*****
My turn to tag:

Following there is a list of different occupations. You must select at least five of them. You may add more if you like to your list before you pass it on (after you select five of the items as it was passed to you).

Of the five you selected, you are to finish each phrase with what you would do as a member of that profession. Then pass it on to three fine bloggers.

Here's that list:

If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a backup dancer...
If I could be a llama-rider...
If I could be a bonnie pirate...
If I could be a midget stripper...
If I could be a proctologist...I
If I could be a TV-Chat Show host...
If I could be an actor...
If I could be a judge...
If I could be a Jedi...

I tag Witty Sex Kitten, because she is ruthless and funny, a devastating combination. Kitty answered!


I tag Pammy of Lollygaggin with boobies of Silk and Satin. (On vacation.)

I tag Dash at The Boiling Point. Because I should have a guy on the list. Dash answered!

*** You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither. Steve Martin

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April 23, 2005

Stupidest Moment Meme Update

recently posted my Stupidest Moment three days ago, and decided to turn in into a meme. Surprisingly, Stupid Moments are proliferating. I thought I'd try tracking them, since they can be funny. Here's what's out there so far. I still think mine's the stupidest:

Layer One

Ian at Banana Oil!: "Mer and I were considered odd friends. We were quite different people, yet from when we first met we could finish each other’s thoughts. We joked that we each had a half of the same brain."

Phin at Phin's Blog: A Twofer: "I've had problems off and on with my neck and back for the past couple of years, the Chiropractor thinks it was a wreck I was in years ago, the wife thinks it's because I spend to much time in front of the computer, I think I'm just not fishing enough. But anywhoo…." And the second: "It was my freshmen year in high school. The town I grew up in is Greenville, North Carolina, home of East Carolina University and some of the best tailgating in the country. The week prior to a home ECU football game a group of my friends and I decided to tailgate, which would seem harmless enough to most folks."

Christina at Feisty Repartee: Whew! Finally! "When I was in private practice, I usually wore suits with short, pencil skirts when I was to appear in court."

Layer Two

Tom at Undercaffeinated: "When each day adds another moment of idiocy to my huge lifetime inventory of dumbness, how do I go about choosing that one act of supreme stupidity that makes all others pale in comparison?"

William at Pirate's Cove: "So, this was back in the early 90's, and me and a bunch of folks had been out drinking that Thursday night, nothing crazy, just some pitchers at the Substation II. Got to be maybe 12:30, 1am, and we had had enough, was summertime."

Oystersnout: "so, one day, about 15 years ago, when i was still young and reckless, i had a motorcycle. nice bike, a '82 Yamaha Maxim 750, inline 4 with shaft drive, customized before i bought it for a good price."

Marc at Hubs and Spokes: Waiting...

Jay at Accidental Verbosity: Waiting...

Basil's Blog: Waiting...

Layer Three

BillyBudd at American Dinosaur: "Back in the old days when the world was black and white, and I was much more worldy I owned a Cadillac. Before that let me preface the story with this tidbit. The historical precedent starts B.C. (Before Cadillac) when I used to drive an MGB. Yes an MGB that faggy little English car that Harvard professors drove to pick up on young nubile co-eds and prove that they could conquer the nuances of driving an English car."

Alex at B A Start: "Myself and a dozen other Boy Scouts from around the US were backpacking in New Mexico for two weeks. I was the leader, and had the maps."

Mike at Royal Toybox: "Okay, in honor of getting something down on paper, here goes: I, Mike Garvey, was in a vampire movie."

Norman at Expresso Sarcasm: Well, Norman didn't propogate the meme that Tom at Undercaffeinated tagged him with, but he did give us a good petty rant for the day.

Steve at Secure Liberty: Waiting...

Miss Patriot: Waiting...

Layer 4

Jess at Outgrabes: "My freshman year of college I was bullied into going to a Nine Inch Nails concert by some poser goth friends. While this may have demonstrated a shameful lack of backbone on my part, it wasn't in itself stupid."

Emily at Swish: Waiting...

Webshite: Waiting...

*** Democracy: 3 wolves & a sheep voting on what's for lunch.

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Posted by witnit at 7:15 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

25-Word Challenge and Breakfast

olitickal Animal is the host for this week's 25-Word Challenge. Dead people and hookers...Oh My! Go and help create the story.

And Phin is hosting Breakfast at Basil's Blog.


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April 22, 2005

Basil's Blog for Supper

hanks to Basil's Blog, I think I have finally figured out this Trackback thing by adding Haloscan. One little step for a man, one giant leap for his blog.

So check out Basil's Supper for today. A great idea. Basil is now one of my daily reads, and perhaps should be yours, if you haven't tried him out yet.


*** Every now and then, I do the right thing, just to confuse you. Ashleigh Brilliant

UPDATE: Hey! Did I miss the fine print that said all comments would be lost in the process? BEJEEZUSPHUKENKEERYSTAMUNDO!!!

If you left comments recently, I may not have read them!!

UPDATE: No buyer's remorse here, though. Better I do it now than a year from now...


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South Park Conservatives

rian Anderson, the author of South Park Conservatives: The Revolt Against Liberal Media Bias, is offering a free chapter via email. Just type in an email and submit. The PDF for the 26-page chapter "South Park Anti-Liberals" will be emailed to you.


*** I have given up my search for truth and am now looking for a good fantasy. Ashleigh Brilliant


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Crown Me

entistry these days is amazing!

So I have a 2-hour appointment to get a crown (#19, lower left main molar).

She drills it, discovers I need a root canal, does that, computer models the remainder of the tooth, sends the image to that expensive German machine that makes the porcelein crown color matched perfectly, installs the tooth with light-solidified super glue, and I walk out 2 hours later with a completed root canal and crown and...

...no need for followup visits!

And no pain! (Well, the nerve was drilled out, I guess.)

Sure is not like the old days...

*** Refuse Novacaine--Transcend Dental Medication!


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Dax Montana - Western

eed more be said? Get over to read Dax's Chapter One of the blog Western, The Gunslinger.

I, for one, am going to resist saying it. I am...I swear...I'm strong...I will not...I won't...JUST DAMN!

(shit!)

Thanks to Christina for being the blog fiction champion! Sign me up for the humorous fantasy blog novel.

Here's the line up:

Chapter 2 - April 29 - Moogie
Chapter 3 - May 6 - Acidman

Chapter 4 - May 13 - Key
Chapter 5 - May 20 - Eric
Chapter 6 - May 27 - Pammy
Chapter 7 - June 3 - VelociGod

*** Why do writers write? Because it isn't there.


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Shallow End of the Dicepool

ulie with a B is responsible for my taking this test. (What does that B stand for...?)

I am a d4

Take the quiz at dicepool.com

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My Inner European

ammit! I can't believe this!
Your Inner European is French!

Smart and sophisticated.
You have the best of everything - at least, you think so.

Who's Your Inner European?
France--Where men are men, and sheep are nervous. Sheesh! I can thank Ian for this embarrassment. I'd take Russian any day. Tolstoy, Chekov, Pushkin...

UPDATE:

It was a mistake! I went back and retook the test, because I had mistakenly chosen Chicken in White Wine and Cream Sauce instead of Pasta or Rice with lots of Good Bread. There. I feel better now.



Your Inner European is Italian!






Passionate and colorful.

You show the world what culture really is.



Who's Your Inner European?

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April 21, 2005

BabeWits Update

he BabeWits are up to their bloomers in activity this week. Here's an update:



Witty Sex Kitten is a bit testy about, oh, one of those very natural parts of life that make some women actually look favorably upon menopause. (Think Alice Cooper.)



Sadie at Fistful of Fortnights puts on an innocent face and shares a cute little bathroom story that makes only women smile. (Damn you, Cutex!)

Kathy at Cake Eater Chronicles is a wee bit too obsessed with Alias and the fate of Jennifer and Ben. (I love me, I love you not, I love me, I love you not...)

Our Cheesemistress admits to being a murderer! (Is that overstating it?)



Ruth at Freudian Slippers wants bloggers to get over themselves when comparing themselves to the MSM. (You talkin' to me? YOU TALKIN' TO ME?) Mysteriously unavailable...

Christina at Feisty Repartee is not up to the intellectual challenge posed by the Sweet One. (There's a euphamism for you.)

And finally, Silk at Just Breathe likes to fantasize about justifiable slashing while at the dog kennel. (Makes you want to Scream.) And check her out as host for Diva Sez on Friday. Smart answers to dumb men.

And people wonder why I have a special category for these Babes!


*** If I can’t have access to your heart, at least let me have access to your refrigerator. Ashleigh Brilliant


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A History of the World

'm off to the dentist today and I doubt I will have a chance to blog, so I leave you with a classic. If you haven't read this before, you are in for a treat.

The World According to Student Bloopers

Richard Lederer, St. Paul's School

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. they lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sone to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavenbed bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of colums - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being.

Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarette. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered American while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peococks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer paid for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. he invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Eurpose, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took lang walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. The the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrainedd. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. he reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered Radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

*** Without time, everything would happen at once!


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Posted by witnit at 6:29 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 20, 2005

Game Warden Humor

illyBudd, the American Dinosaur, tells a Game Warden joke. Reminds me of one:

A game warden on his rounds in a national forest spies a man carrying a bag and a rifle.

"How's it goin'?" asks the game warden.

"Fine," says the man.

"What's in the bag?"

"Nothing much."

"I'm afraid I'm gonna have to insist. Show me what's in the bag."

The man opens the bag and inside there's a dead flamingo. The game warden pulls out his handcuffs. "I'm sorry, but I have to arrest you."

"Why?" cries the man. "I was only shootin' it for food."

"That species of flamingo is an endangered species. I'm taking you in." He handcuffs the man and they walk for a while. Finally, the game warden says, "You know, I've always been curious. What does a flamingo taste like?"

The man thinks for a moment and says, "Oh, somewhere between a condor and a bald eagle."

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Hitchens Gets Off A Good One

n Dennis Miller tonight:

Hitchens (Referring to the recently deceased Pope's inviting Saddam's henchman to the Vatican and protection of Cardinal Law): "This is a pretty grim record."

Miller: "Well, Chris, you better hope so or you're going to Hell if not."

Hitchens: "Well, all the most amusing people seem to be bound the same way."


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"My Stupidest Moment" Meme

figured that since I was going to post this anyway, I should create it as a meme to get a peek into the humiliating private lives of some of my favorite bloggers.

My stupidest moment:

Happiness is a Warm Gun

It was the summer of 1980. Carter was President, the country was suffering the indignity of Iran holding Americans, and our wimp of a President told us how miserable we were while nearly bankrupting us with 20+% interest rates.

OPEC had begun flexing its muscle by reducing supply and forcing gas prices up. For the first time, Americans were pissed about the price of gas at the pumps. And many felt that gas stations were taking advantage of the crisis.

It was a sweltering summer in Sacramento. The rice fields were still routinely burned during summer months, creating a smoggy inversion layer that blanketed the valley and made cranks of us all. Tempers were hot as freshly driven rivets.

I was young, in college fulltime, and working 50 hours a week in a 7-11 convenience store that had three gas pumps. My dream job. No days off and 5 hours a night of sleep. Speed-hyped shoplifters, biker-jacketed beer runners, and the occasional armed robber. Still, it was a nice upper-middle-class neighborhood, so there were more good than bad customers.

My boss Bill was ex-military. Flew Air Force fighters in Vietnam. Good guy. We got on well. Told dirty jokes all the time. He liked to keep a Ruger Police Special revolver that shot .357s and .38s. We used to go up to his Sierra mountain property near Nyack and shoot cans. I'd shot all kinds of guns in my time. Even a custom bear-killer rifle in Alaska that shot hand-made .48s. I was a comfotable amateur shooter. Code for S-T-U-P-I-D.

The revolver stayed in the backroom where he counted the money in the morning. But sometimes when the graveyard shift guy called in sick, Bill would come in to keep the store open and bring the gun up under the register. Just in case.

I'd come in at 6:00 am to take over for Bill. He always left the gun under the register, and I wouldn't notice until he was gone. I'd leave it there fantasizing how I'd stop the robber or blow out the tires of a gas runner.

You see, people were so pissed about gas prices (a dollar a gallon was over the top for most people) that they'd come in, fill up, and drive off without paying. We'd always let people filup first, pay after. Now, for the first time, people would steal gas. You extend a little trust, and they take you down for it. Iran, prices, Carter, misery index, gas ripoff artists--the combined anger was more than any of us realized.

Something told me that it was a bad idea to keep that gun up front under the register. Something told me that I didn't need it, that my imagination was creating something that had to come out somehow. Something told me...but stupid dumbass kid that I was, I ignored it.

It was a nice, quiet Sunday morning around 10:00 am. Business didn't really pick up until 11:00 am. There was only one customer drifting through the aisles. My boss bill came in to see how things were going. He had pulled an all-nighter two days before and neither of us had bothered to take the gun into the back room.

I asked him to run the counter while I went into the back to catch up on work or go to the bathroom or some such. About 10 minutes later I came out and took over.

I looked outside and saw a long-haired guy in a green Mustang just stop at the Regular pump. I looked at the console. It was clear. I set him up for a fillup. He pumped his gas. And as I stood watching him, the bastard finished and proceeded to get into his car and drive for the exit.


I couldn't believe it! He was pulling out as I watched. Something in me snapped. I grabbed the gun. I raced around the counter. I rushed through the swinging front doors. I hoofed it towards the Mustang.

The guy had stopped, waiting for traffic to clear. He didn't see me coming.

All I thought was, I'm gonna blow out his tires and stop this sonofabitch!

As I got close to the rear passenger side of the Mustang, traffic cleared. The guy started revving his engine. He popping the clutch, and started spinning his tires. I aimed at the right rear tire and fired three shots as he drove away.

Blam! Blam! Blam!

My body turned as I fired each shot at the tire...And I watched as the Mustang screeched out of sight.

Shit! I missed!

Angry and disappointed, I turned toward the store and saw a pair of gawkers, my boss and a customer, looking out the floor-to-ceiling windows, their faces saying What the hell is going on?

I walked back dejected, the gun hanging down, pointing at the asphalt, walked through the glass doors, turned to my boss and said, "Bill, that guy just stole some gas."

And my boss looked at me calmly and said:

"He already paid!"

healreadypaidhealreadypaidhealreadypaidhealreadypaid
healreadypaidhealreadypaidhealreadypaidhealreadypaid
healreadypaidhealreadypaidhealreadypaidhealreadypaid
healreadypaidhealreadypaidhealreadypaidhealreadypaid
healreadypaidhealreadypaidhealreadypaidhealreadypaid
healreadypaidhealreadypaidhealreadypaidhealreadypaid

Whaaa...

My knees went weak and all I could say was, "Oh, don't tell me that!"

While I was in the backroom, the guy had paid for his gas and when he tried to pump it, his intake was too far, so he hung up the nozzle, which reset the console, and i saw him just in time to see him repositioning his car. He only took the gas he had paid for.

My boss and I sat around the rest of the day wondering when the cops would show up. He didn't fire me. I don't know why. He must have liked me for some dumb reason.

Thank God I didn't blow out the guys tires. It turned out that gun had target rounds in it only, so they were less likely to penetrate the rubber.

We speculated on what had happened. I don't recall him ever looking back. Did the screeching tires cover up the sound? Did he think his car was backfiring? Did he see me coming and think, "Christ! You buy some gas and they come out shooting!"


We never heard from him and the cops. And it only took me a year to live it down.

So. Are you up to telling the truth? Your stupidest moment? I'd like to hear from three of you:

1) Feisty Girl: Tell us all about that hidden humilation, Christina.

2) You too Phin: What's the stupid story that you only tell when drunk?

3) And Ian of Banana Oil!: Right back at ya. That one unspeakable night in Shanghai... By the way, be careful if you are at work and you click on any of his Beauties of the Day. I know. I've looked at every one. (Bad, WitNit...bad...bad...)

UPDATE: Seems I should clarify. Although every Stupidest Moment is humiliating, not every humiliating moment is stupid. What was your Stupidest Moment?


*** No wonder I?m so confused! One of my parents was a man, and the other was a woman. Ashleigh Brilliant


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Posted by witnit at 12:00 AM

April 19, 2005

5000

ust hit 5000 on the Sitemeter. [yawn] I'll be impressed when/if it ever hits 100,000.

*** Why am I always so alone in my struggle to have my own way? Ashleigh Brilliant


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Blogroll Me!

ell, I finally figured out this Blogroll Me! thing for those of you waiting for an easy link. Thanks for waiting.

*** When in doubt, vacillate.


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Wave Bye Bye to Air America


commentator in the LA Times predicts the death of Air America, just over one year old and the new rat-infested alley where Al Franken has taken up residence. (Now, now--that's not any worse than so much of what comes out of his mouth...just trying to play in the same sandbox.) Here's Brian C. Anderson's explanation for Why the Liberals Can't Keep Air America From Spiraling In:

Successful talk radio is conservative for three reasons:

• Entertainment value. The top conservative hosts put on snazzy, frequently humorous shows. Kathleen Hall Jamieson, dean of the University of Pennsylvania's Annenberg School for Communication, observes: "The parody, the asides, the self-effacing humor, the bluster are all part of the packaging that makes the political message palatable." Besides, the triumph of political correctness on the left makes it hard for on-air liberals to lighten things up without offending anyone.

• Fragmentation of the potential audience. Political consultant Dick Morris explains: "Large percentages of liberals are black and Hispanic, and they now have their own specialized entertainment radio outlets, which they aren't likely to leave for liberal talk radio." The potential audience for Air America or similar ventures is thus pretty small — white liberals, basically. And they've already got NPR.

• Liberal bias in the old media. That's what birthed talk radio in the first place. People turn to it to help right the imbalance. Political scientist William Mayer, writing in the Public Interest, recently observed that liberals don't need talk radio because they've got the big three networks, most national and local daily newspapers and NPR.

All well and good, but of course he missed the biggest reason of all: Successful talk radio is conservative for the most part because the commentary and analysis contain more wisdom and truth.

Much of what passes for "liberal" these days (Al Franken, Michael Moore, Barbra Streisand) is emotionally based, not intellectually based. It's more about assertion than demonstration.

Radio is a format that requires more extended listening and thinking, when compared to television. It is easier to con people through a visual medium than through an aural one. The visual, especially television, tends toward appearance and superficial meanings. The aural, especially radio, tends toward arguments and extended meanings. (Of course there are exceptions to both, but I'm talking about the bigger picture here.)

Let's face it: Today's far-left liberals are authoritarians (more even than the far right). They want to tell us what to do and think. They want to shout down opposing views. They want to limit the exchange of ideas. They want thought control. They will bypass democracy when it doesn't work for them. They will lie when the truth doesn't help. They see no problem in their own hypocrasies.

They will claim the 2000 election was stolen without caring to investigate the 2004 Washington State governor's election.

They will rail against dependence on foreign oil while opposing new drilling.

They will argue that implementing the death penalty is too expensive given the multiple appeals that they themselves initiate through the legal procedural rules they exploit.

They will talk about democracy while using judges to make laws they cannot get passed through legislatures or through inititiatives.

Air America will die because the left fails to understand why Rush Limbaugh is a success: Assuming that he is merely good at being angry and mean-spirited and propagandizing. They see themselves in a mirror and think they can accomplish they same thing through those tactics.

Air America will die because ultimately today's far-left liberals are hypocrites and liars, and as such, cannot sustain themselves in a radio environment that requires a level playing field in the realm of thoughtfulness.

*** Beware! I can do great harm to myself and blame it on you. Ashleigh Brilliant

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Posted by witnit at 12:15 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 18, 2005

Candy Bar Countries

n idle mind can be a terrible, destructive, evil thing. I took off work today to go to the dentist to get a couple of crowns, but the $150,000 machine that makes them in 10 minutes (from 3-D computer modeling of the tooth, saving all that temporary crown/come back in two weeks crap) broke down and I'm rescheduled for Thursday.

So I come home and it's too late to catch a matinee movie (and besides I already saw Sin City, which makes Pulp Fiction look like a Disney film) and I feel a bit draggy and tired and disinclined to do any serious blogging, and nothing in the news is that interesting to me. And I think that I'm draggy and tired because I ate a bunch of chocolate three days ago, and that seems to be the pattern, eat chocolate and three days later feel punk.

So my idle, terrible, destructive, evil mind goes from chocolate to politics to punkness and I begin thinking, How are countries like candy bars?

Where the hell does a thought like that come from? But I pursue it and pretty soon I have a list that's stupid and cynical and U.S.-centric and politiacally discorrect.

Anyway, here's a list of my Candy Bar Countries. Your sugar rush may vary.

*** We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault. Ashleigh Brilliant

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Posted by witnit at 6:40 PM |